Friday, October 10, 2008

Not there yet.

Not my weight. Well, maybe not. I don't know. Honestly, I'm not going to weigh in today.

Earlier this week I was reading a couple other blogs that are out there. Lyn, over at Escape from Obesity (link to the right) is a very interesting read. She's so open and honest about her struggles with obsession and weight loss and food addiction. Reading her blog is like going back and reading some of my earlier posts - they seem to be more about the emotional/mental component than they do the physical weight loss diet/exercise stuff I've been writing about lately. Then I read a post from John at John is Fit, who's recent post was called A Weight Loss Blog About Nothing, wherein he describes not really having anything of value to post, but posting anyway just to stay honest.

I feel like John a bit - I've become a bit of a broken record, especially in terms of gain a bit on the weekend, having it gone by Tuesday, lose a few more pounds, keep moving forward. That's really been it. And it's been a great broken record - don't get me wrong. I'm really happy with my progress so far. I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday morning, and since last month when I saw him I'm down 20 pounds. So this is excellent! But - somewhere along the way I forgot that the physical exercise/diet is only part of the equation.

I forgot about the mental/emotional part.

Last night I made a mistake. A huge blunder. Sometimes my mind makes these bizarre connections between events, filling in things that aren't there. And last night was one of those times. I'm not going to go into it now, but suffice to say I felt/still feel like a total asshole. I let my friend down, but more importantly I let myself down.

I have another friend who thinks we all stand to benefit from therapy. Being that she's a psychologist I'm inclined to believe that she may be experiencing a systemic bias, but even if that's true it doesn't mean she's wrong. I don't know... I'm just feeling like I totally set myself back, when I'd been thinking that I'd made such big strides. I'm impulsive and reckless and foolish, and when I turn that on myself I can become quite self-destructive; but when I errantly turn it on someone else?

All I can say is I'm sorry.

So no weigh in; there are other things to focus on improving today.

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Where I've Been and Where I'm Going