Done with this week

Wow am I beat... four miles on the elliptical yesterday, taekwondo last night, and then a tough day of lifting with a couple super-sets in there have kept my heart rate up - not that I'm complaining! I love the feeling I get after a workout, so yay to that.

Years ago I used to go to a taekwondo school, and on a good day I could do the splits - on a bad day I still wasn't too far off. Now? I can barely get my legs to go past 90° when I spread out. I suspect that the issues are a combo platter of 5ish years away from the sport, combined with tight muscles from lifting regularly without much in the way of stretching. Stretching is something I really need to work on - it keeps me limber and agile (as agile as a 250-pounder can be anyway), and I'd like to get some of that back. I don't know that I'll ever do the splits again, but it's definately a goal to reach for.

I think that last week's 247.8 may have been a bit premature - I think that it was a combo platter of 4 miles in the morning plus the first day of taekwondo in the evening and little to eat. Basically, I think that I'd dumped all my water weight as I never replenished after the tkd class. This morning I'm at 250.8, which seems much more realistic than the idea that I basically lost 10 pounds in a week. I'm still okay with the 250, but I'm also a tad worried. Normal weekends are difficult as it is for me as the routine is always a bit screwed up, but tonight I'm headed to a friend's for some barbeque, then tomorrow is my girlfriend's mom's 60th birthday party (more bbq, plus cake - ooh, delicious cake!), then on Sunday we're going to see some of her family's old friends/relatives, so even more chances for me to fuck myself. And since I do enough of that on my own, I don't need too many bonus opportunities!

BTW, closed-circuit to the cleaning guy at the St. Paul LA Fitness: clean the fucking showers please. Seriously; the shower curtain folds have that orange mildew thing that looks like some junior chef was dabbling marinara sauce on it. It's gross. And seeing as every time I'm at the gym you're only in the men's locker room, I think you're in the right place. Quit with the vacuuming, start with the ungrossing. Please.

Little things that I don't do

I was reading a post by Fat Daddy today, which dealt with the large issues of being fat (forgive the pun). One of his first rants revolved around being a big guy on an airplane - something I've already discussed myself. He is looking to hear from readers about some other big issues that they deal with whilst being fat.

His request got me to thinking about some of the little things that I actually no longer do as I slim down.

No longer do I walk into a room and instantly survey it, looking for someone bigger than me. I don't know when exactly I stopped - I actually hadn't even thought about that until today - but when I was huge and very self-conscious about my weight I would always hope that somewhere in the room would be a man or woman whose flanks stuck out farther than mine, hanging out the sides of their chair. I'd really wish that someone would be there with a stomach that pushed uncomfortably against the table in front of them - moreso than my own. I'd hope that I'd see someone whose gaze I could meet and share a sort of understanding, much like two guys on motorcycles waving a short hello as they pass by one another on the road. It was important to me. It made me think that there was hope. Hope that I wasn't *that bad* yet.

No longer do I walk with my shoulders slouched forward, stretching the fabric in the back of the shirt so as to allow a bit of looser fabric in my chest to disguise the fact that I had larger boobs than most of the women I passed by. I've read that losing weight and lifting weights helps to contribute to better posture. While I believe that there's truth there, I also must say that part of the bad posture of the overweight masses out there is self-induced. It's a coping mechanism. It helps to hide all the rolls and bulges on our bodies. Sort of. I mean, no man wants to admit that he's a solid C cup, so if it's something that's possible to hide, he'll do it. I did.

Now I walk upright, with my shoulders back. Again, I don't exactly know when I started doing this, but I do. I stick my chest out a bit, in a sign of confidence. Oh sure, I've still got a set of tits on me, but thankfully I'm outsized by my girlfriend and I don't stress about it much. It's just one of those things that's slowly going away.

I also no longer pull my shirt away from my chest as I sit down in a chair. I've seen this behavior in other men as well - you sit down, the fat boobs and stomach push out and collapse together at the same time, and the shirt gets stuck in the rolls. I'd pull the shirt out as I sat to prevent that - to allow the shirt to hang loosely over the top of all those lumps and bumps. Not too sure when I stopped, but for the most part I have.

One last one, and I think it may be a bit of an embarrassment for many of us - I don't work too hard at wiping my ass. When there's so much mass on your body, it can become a bit of an exercise in and of itself to reach behind your back, past one ass cheek to get the paper in the right place. I would be incredibly aware of this, fighting with my drooping back fat and oversized heinie to get clean. I'd like to think that I always did clean properly, but I put in the extra effort to make sure of that fact. Now I guess I wipe my ass like a normal person. Silly to think about perhaps, but no less true.

So these are some of the little things that I don't do - things that no longer cause me daily stress and contribute to a low self-esteem.

I'm still fat, but I'm getting there.

33! And One!!!

Happy Birthday To Me!
Happy Birthday To Me!
Happy Birthday Dear Roder,
Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Today marks thirty three years and nine months since my folks boned, making me, and one year since I decided to begin the journey to get well again, physically and emotionally. Things are going very well, and every day gets a little bit better. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for following along and supporting me. I hope you have a great day - I know I will!

Yikes!

Today at the end of the lifting session Dan and I grabbed 25lb weights and finished up with lunges, doing a hammer curl of the dumbbell each time we stepped down. Such an amazing exercise in motor skill/control. We would lunge down and back the gym floor, turning with a pause at the end of one direction to come back to the starting point.

The initial start was fine, but by the time the turn occurred my body's coordination and motor skill would let me down. I'd get out of rhythm, out of breath and out of sorts. I got lightheaded and slightly confused. Basically I was reliving the night I lost my virginity with each lunge and curl. Yikes...

As we lifted, I'd confessed to Dan that apparently the top of my manhood had been rubbed raw this weekend. In the lockerroom, he grabbed a bottle of some ointment thing that he rubs on his arms when he gets new tattoos (both of his arms are half-sleeved from the shoulder to biceps). "Put this on your junk, it'll help," he said. He squeezed out a bit of some sort of petroleum jelly substance onto my finger. "uh..." I said. "Thanks. This is the gayest thing I've ever done. Don't tell anyone," was my response. So now I'm telling everyone. lol!

Anyway, the fourth was good, but this morning's weigh-in had me at 255 - so it was also very, very bad. Gotta sweat out that water weight gain. At least tomorrow is 45 minutes on the bike - that'll shake loose the junk!

Close the book on another week

It's the start of a three-day weekend. I can't even begin to say how relieved I am that I can avoid the office - it's become a total madhouse, with constant demands and nobody knowing what's going on. Very frustrating place to be these days.

Luckily on the other side of things is my weight loss. Now that I've given it my full attention again, things are happening. While I dream of a day when I can just go to the gym, do some light cardio and lifting and come home, maintaining my losses while not having to think about it every day, I'm not there yet. So I lift, and I run, and I bike, and I do it all with total effort, as do I pay attention all day to my diet needs.

Last night was fun. I went to TKD, met a couple people, worked up a decent sweat, and had a good time. It turns out that one of the guys there knows some of the guys I used to train with back in the day, so we've instantly got things to talk about. Yay!

Beyond that, not too much to report. I've got to work on some volunteer project that I've been meeting to complete, so that will be the lion's share of my day today.

247.8 (oh hey, lookit at that...)

Thursday!!

Today was elliptical day - 45 minutes, 4.2 miles run, 500 calories burned, and I'm currently sitting at my desk, 1 hour removed from the activity. Sweat is still streaming down my torso right now... the afterburn effect from elliptical is like nothing else!

Tonight I'm going to be starting up taekwondo again. I spoke about this before, though as I've moved since looking into it then I'll be at a totally new place. I'm both nervous and excited for the class. If it's anything like the last place, then once I'm skilled enough to start sparring again I should be dropping pounds with the quickness. Nothing like avoiding a kick to your face or nuts to get the body tense and moving!

I was up a pound this morning on the scale, though I ate less than 2087 calories yesterday. My guess is water retention due to the weight lifting yesterday, coupled with a dinner of a fajita - the rice tends to keep some water in your system. I'll be drinking lots of water today to keep things flushed - I'd *love* to break into the 240s by tomorrow morning's weigh-in. Especially as I'm going out of town this weekend, which always fucks up my consistency.

251.1

You Got Me Man...

Because I don't get it either. Maybe the change in workout? Maybe the better tracking of calories in? Or perhaps it's just because I've channeled my negative feelings into fueling my workouts. Regardless of knowing exactly why, I'm down again, and this time it's a huge drop and another new low. I guess the big lesson is, don't eat back your burned calories because that concept really is bullshit if you're looking to lose. At least, that's what I'm going with for now.

250.1

Two Things

This morning I weighed in at 254.2 - a new low for me. I believe that I can attribute this success to two things: diet and exercise.

I've been tracking my calories using the LoseIt! application on my iPhone. It's a very handy and slick application, but I think that there may be a flaw. You see, I entered all my relevant data and it said that if I'm to lose two pounds a week, I need to be eating 2087 calories daily. However, any calories burned via exercise is then added to that total. So if I burn out 500 calories on the elliptical, that allows me 2587 calories to eat for the day.

I think that this caloric add-back may actually be bullshit.

I've been maintaining between 256 and 260 for roughly the last month using this system, but I've recently made the decision to forgo entering my exercise calories burned, instead just focusing only on eating 2087 for the whole day. It meant that last night I skipped having a beer after work, opting for water instead. I also only had one sloppy joe (made w/ lean turkey, not beef) and 1/4 of a potato. That's it. I also skipped desert. It got me in under my caloric goal for the evening, so that was good.

Also, I switched up my workout. I'd been doing roughly the same workout for six months, so the change (and it was a big one) has been a real boost. Though I won't lie - doing cardio for 45 minutes is both mind-numbing, and in the case of the stationary bike, ass numbing as well. However, the big thing is that I've been finding myself quite sore the next day since this new program, so I think it's doing some good things for me physically.

I think it's just about time to pull out those 35" waist closet pants I've got hanging in the back corner of my room, just to get a sense of where I'm at with that progress. I'm also adding another fitness component later this week. I'll get to that update on Friday, schedule permitting.

254.2

A Reminder

Sometimes I think I'm in denial regarding how fat I really am. Like, losing 80 pounds has given me some sort of fat-pass, and that I now get to wear a label other than that. Then I'm reminded on how wrong I am.

Yesterday after church and breakfast, I was changing to get ready to go to a parade and a waterski show. As I walked into the family room, my girlfriend's son came up to me. "You're fat," he said.

"I know," I replied quickly, feeling the heat of embarassment as my face lit up bright red.

"WHAAAAT?!?" his aunt called from the other room.

"He's fat," came the reply.

Sigh.

I walked upstairs and sat on the couch. Moments later, my girlfriend came over, kneeled low next to me and said, "I think you should grab a sturdier lawn chair. I don't think these collapsible fabric ones will hold you."

"Okay," I said, the warmth on my face returning.

I guess I'd been feeling so good this past month that I forgot, but yesterday served as a reminder that despite the efforts of the past year, I'm not thin. I'm not trim. I'm not good-looking. I'm not chubby. I'm not husky. I'm not overweight. I am fat. And despite how I may see myself, this is how the world sees me.

I won't forget again.

Quick check-in

Wow - this article completely hits many of my day-to-day feelings right on the head.

256.7