Thursday, October 16, 2008

Closet pants III

Yesterday after work I headed over to Marshalls, the discount clothing store. I need a new pair of closet pants, as I fit and regularly wear the two pair that I'd actually found in my closet. I decided that Marshalls was the place to go, because I didn't want to spend more than $50 on a pair of jeans that I intend on shrinking out of in a couple months time (though I do intend to buy a pair of $500 Versace jeans when I hit a 33 waist - a waste, to be sure, but dammit sometimes you have to treat yourself and I've always wanted one pair of designer jeans).

The thing about Marshalls is, they're so feast or famine! Last night's row of size 38s had a *ton* of junky brands, brands I'd *never* heard of, or jeans with bizarre stitching patterns or weird patches sewn in on them. To be fair I've been out of buying normal jeans in a normal store for several years now, but really? Does Tommy Hilfiger or Polo not make jeans anymore? Am I that out of style? Do Levis still exist? What's going on here? Arggh!

After I'd made up my mind to go with a pair that I hated slightly less than all the others, I did one final loop through the men's section, just to be sure. I found myself first by the socks, where I decided that it was a good time to do my binge/purge routine, wherein I buy 18-20 new pairs of socks, then come home and cull all the existing white socks I own, throwing them out. Honestly, fresh, thick white cotton socks on my feets is one of the best feelings in the world! Once for a birthday a friend of mine bought me a six pack of socks and I still think it's one of the better gifts I've ever received. Then I looped through the underwear section. I think that either all male underwear models have the biggest flaccid penises in the world, or like me they pick up some fresh socks regularly. These pictures don't make me want to buy the underwear, they make me wonder if I need an erection to fill them out properly. Apparently the underwear makers have decided that wives and girlfriends buy the guy in their life underwear? Let's just move on.

I looped back to the 38s, just for one more go at them. Maybe I missed something, you know? Perry Ellis, Perry Ellis, Perry El -- wait a minute... What!? Are these... Lucky Brand? Really? I *love* Lucky jeans! I wore them almost exclusively in college. Fantastic denim. And they're here? In Marshalls? Does this mean that Lucky Brand are lame now? Do I need to go buy a new copy of Details magazine? Whatever - I was totally excited! So I bought my pair of 38 Luckys and took 'em home. I peeled off the tags (these guys ain't going back, even if they don't fit... well, *especially* if they don't fit), then went into the bedroom and tried them on. One leg through... not bad around the thigh. A second leg... still doing okay, mostly. Up over my butt and we're still in the game... button them an -- button them an-- button... No. No go. If I sucked it all in and held my breath I could button them, but then I look like a total asshole with an extra-poochy belly as all my fat gets pushed up and over the waistline. Oh well. I'll try again in two weeks. :)


Geoff said...

Hilarious post! It's really good to have some goal clothes to work towards. I've already gotten back into all my skinny jeans, so maybe I should buy a smaller pair just to work towards. And now that I think of it, I could use some fresh socks :)

Ripx180 said...

have to agree with Geoff, pretty freaking funny post. Lucky jeans are my favorite jeans too. I think I am old and missed the Lucky boat when they were really popular and cost $80 bucks each. I get them at costco for about 34 bucks. Some GQ guy I know wears sevens (i think they are called) and dumps about a hundy a pair. I am too old, too married to be that cool now. :). I am sporting the 36/32 luckys right now and am getting close to needing to move to 34/32s. 2nd note...You know how hard it is to find 100% cotton socks??? They all have polyester now adays and I hate that crap it makes my feet sweat more...

Roder said...

Well, I checked, and they're still selling Luckys for between $87 and $108, so I guess they're cool. Unless The Buckle totally sucks now, and as it bordered on suck 12 years ago it could be full on by now. Don't know, though I can say with some authority that Casual Male XL is the full-on suck. But traditionally speaking, cute girls have always worked at The Buckle, so you know... there's that.

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