The week is done.

It's Halloween. I didn't reach my goal. That stinks. It also stinks that I've been roughly maintaining for two weeks now. Plateaus are no fun. I think Monday I'm overhauling my workout program. That'll be good. Something different to jump start my losses again. Seriously? I'm still huge. I should be dropping easily right now.

Outside of that, not too much to report. I'm glad that I did my count yesterday, even if it got messed up when I went out. I imagine I'm still close to accurate, and that's all I need to know how awful it was. One meal won't destroy me, but if I start with a bad one, like the breakfast, then add to it during the day? Bad news bears. So yay me for putting myself in check, because like my man Ice Cube said, you'd best check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Counting...

Okay, so today I'm going to keep a running total of my calories. It'll probably affect my choices throughout the day as I try to avoid being an idiot after starting my morning like an idiot. What? You'll get it. Just follow along...

Breakfast:
1 Medium White Chocolate Mocha w/ Skim Milk and no whip cream: 483 (fuck.)
1 Blueberry Muffin: 410 (fuck.)
Total: 883

Okay, off to a bad start here. But honestly? Good to know. Because I've had that for breakfast 4 days in a row now. Clearly I need to switch back to my 120 calorie protein shakes for breakfast. That's damn near 1000 calories already (893 actually), so I have to go light at lunch. I'm going drinking tonight to celebrate Chad's last day here, so I guess I'll need to look up 12oz Crown Royal and 7ups. This could be a disaster. Holy shit. I'll keep updating, live-blog style.

Lunch:
1 order of Nagano Special fresh sushi from the local Byerly's grocery store. They don't put a calorie count, but I did a search. The closest I can find is 432 calories for 8 pieces. So I guess we're going with that.
8oz of Fresh Cut Pineapple Chunks:109 (according to CalorieKing.com)
24oz of water.
Total: 541

Not bad.

Afternoon:
1 can of Mountain Dew: 170

Bad.

Dinner:
1 Patty Melt from the Sunshine Factory. I have no idea. There were fries too. Should be say... 1000 for the burger and the fries? Fuck.
4 Beers - 1000. Holy fuck.

Overall Total: 3594

I think I went over my daily allotment. Fact.

Hi.

I worked out today. I'm blogging about it now. I'm still all off on my schedule. I'm eating a bit more than I should be. I think I'm going to start tracking my calories again, as a wake-up call if nothing else. I'm not going to be 295 by Halloween. I am going drinking tomorrow night. I intend on not getting drunk. I won't commit to not getting drunk. This is the worst post ever. The end.

Train keeps rollin

Because of my workout partner's new job, I'm forced to go to the gym 30 minutes earlier than usual. No big deal, right? Except that there's a huge difference between waking up at 5:45 and 6:15. Huge! Way bigger than the 30 minute difference you can see on the clock. Additionally, he made me go to a different gym! One that was closer to the highway so he could get downtown easier.

For tomorrow, he wins the clock fight, but I win the location fight. The new place sucked. Well, that's not even true. Normally, I'd bet it was fine. It's certainly bigger than the one I go to. And more populated. With women. Which is nice. And distracting. And it's quiet, like a library. No decently loud music. WTF? The ellipticals there suck. The machines are different, and today different seems to = suck. The layout sucks. For the bigger space, it's extra jammed with stuff, and it was hard to get the workout in because our deadlift was bumping up against some dude doing bench press. Bah! It's not that I'm opposed to change, but perhaps at 6:30am I need a bit more normalcy.

I quit last night. Called the bossman to let him know. He took it well, considering. He asked if there was anything he could do, was my decision firm. I told him my offer and said that it wouldn't even be fair to ask him to match, and it wouldn't. He isn't a big company. But I also told him that his place was too unstable and that I was uncomfortable with it. We hung up on good terms. Then two hours later a co-worker called me, because *he* just called and quit. Ugh. Now the boss is returning to the office today instead of being out all day as planned. He wants to meet with both of us. I don't mind confrontations (in fact, I kind of like them), but I can get a bit emotional (not like I start to cry emotional, but just I kind of get wound up and say things that I don't mean, or say things I mean, but too harshly) and depending on how he comes at me, I could blow my top and burn some bridges. It's not something I strive to do, but sometimes? Sometimes I feel pushed or disrespected, and then those babies end up burning bright and lighting my way home. So I'll let him lead today's dance, but if he steps on my toes, I'm out.

Hey me, isn't this a weight-loss blog? Haven't we covered this ground already? Blah blah work, blah blah quit? Whatever. Achieving weight loss, like all goals, is the combination of the physical, the mental and the emotional. Right now the mental/emotional is just getting a bit more attention. But I'd like it to come back into balance. I'm ready. I'm getting annoyed. I miss *my* gym.

298.8

A long drive

Well, today is the first day of driving to the new location for this job. Instead of working out, coming home, blogging, then showering and heading out, I had to immediately get ready for work. It was a 45 minute drive. Boo!

I had a decent weekend, ate a bit bad but not too bad. My weigh-in was 301.9 this morning.

I just got my phone call as I was typing this. I've passed all my background/drug/credit checks. I'm in! Done!

Holy shit. Now I have to do it. Now I have to resign. Now I'm feeling nervous - the boss isn't in town today. Ack! Call him? Wait until Wednesday? So many feelings... shit! Excitement! Shit!

Friday!

Yay! Let's see... at the gym I got *soaked* with sweat today. I really had a great workout. I'm feeling awesome. I feel like most of the stress of the past couple weeks is over. I'm ready to put my focus back on this effort - I'm glad that even though I wasn't thinking about weight-loss non-stop, I still made it to the gym every morning without fail. So important! Today we shut down shop at 11 to move our operation across town. Then we're going out at 5 for cocktails. So it should be a nice cap on a great last couple days.

298.5

Oops.

Sorry I didn't get a blog post out this morning. I actually feel guilty about it! It's part of my daily routine, and it helps to keep me focused on my goals.

And let's talk about those, shall we? Now that I'm under three bills again, I think I need to get a bit more aggressive. The cold is coming soon, and I'm going to be spending much of my time indoors during the coming months. I ended the month of September at 306.3, but so far I've only lost 7 pounds for October. Not enough by a lot! So goal #1 right now is to kill another 3 pounds and at least lose 10 before Halloween next weekend. I think that's totally doable, though with the way I've been botching weekends and drinking candy-bar-in-a-cup coffees, it'll take a bit of refocusing on what I want to make it happen.

November? Let's look at dumping 15. That'll put me near 280 going into December, and then I'll only be 30 pounds from 250. Did you know that Homer Simpson, the paragon of fat ass on television for the past what... 20 years? He's 245 according to the show. That's the number that the writers picked to say that he's a big ball of fat. Fuuuuuuck... Anyway, fuck that guy. Let's focus on 3 pounds. Three pounds is easy. A baby could lose that much weight. Seriously. Three pounds? Nothing. Let's get it done. For a nice round number, I'll aim for 295. See how round that is? I'm an idiot. Anyway. That's my short-term goal. Have you set any recently?

I'm kinda dumb.

I've been told that the definition of smart is how quickly a person's brain can make mental connections, properly filling in little details to arrive at a conclusion or understanding. In that case? I'm dumb.

I've been working out same as always, only I've noticed that the sweat ring around my neck has been much smaller recently, indicative of lesser effort. Except maybe not. Because if I look back at what I ate the couple nights prior to a bad workout? I find a bad diet. A meal or meals full of sodium. The same sodium that holds my liquids in over the weekends and makes me gain a faux 10 pounds. That sodium also is preventing me from sweating in the big amounts I'm used to! I'm kind of sure of it. Because this morning I've been eating clean for a couple days now, and without changing anything else, I had a good 4" of sweat by the time I was off the elliptical. The lesson, as always, is I'm an idiot.

In other news, I think that one of the reasons I've been slipping and eating a bit poorly again, outside of the stress of the current job/job hunt/new job deal (and those factors are probably related), is because I've stopped having my protein shake for breakfast. I usually have a good 40 minutes to kill after the gym but before work which I use to write up my posts and generally dilly-dally, but I've stopped with my shake! Why? I know exactly why. A shake has somewhere north of 8 ounces of water in it. If I drink one, then step on the scale? That's a half-pound! So in my race to be under 300, I started taking bizarre steps like eliminate the shake to keep any extra weight off. Well, that protein helps to keep me full, as does a fiber-bar or banana if I go that route. So by 11 I'm getting hungry and by noon I'm kinda losing my mind. That's why I'll get a salad, fruit and water for lunch, but then stop at Starbucks and get a White Chocolate Mocha and a Lemon Loaf.

I did mention at the start of this post that I'm dumb, yes? Yes.

So I just had my shake again. And I'm 300.8.

Oh, today is Dan my Workout Partner™'s last day at work. We're going out for lunch. He wants Thai. Which is distinctly *not* my fruit salad and lean chicken meal. But I'll do my best to be reasonably good.

It's cold!

Well that didn't take long. Two weekends ago it was in the high 60s here. As I type this, it's 34°! Frost is coating the grass. When I left the apt 90 minutes ago it was pitch black outside and 28°. And I'm the idiot going out to my car still wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Fool! Today I think I'm going to pick up a zip-up hoodie and a pair of sweat (athletic? are they still called sweat?) pants after work. I'll have to start bringing a bag and getting a locker at the gym, but I guess that's okay. Maybe I'll even just shower and change for work there. Crap. I'm going to become one of those creepy old dudes who likes to walk around butt-naked in the locker room, striking up conversations with people who don't want to be social with nudists, aren't I?

Yesterday I brought a new exercise to shoulder day - external rotations. I can't believe how hard they are! There are two standing cable machines at the gym, and one is set with a default of 30 pounds. I couldn't do it! Thankfully the other machine's default is 20, so we did three sets of that. This morning when the alarm went off and I rolled over to turn it off, my shoulders pinged, letting me know that I worked them yesterday. Good. I always like the feeling of sore muscles the day after.

Today I got both my t-bar rows and my deadlift in, along with some lighter weight but slow lat pulldowns for the burn and I'm a happy guy. The weekend weight is almost gone (303.5), and things are returning to normal. Oh, and I got a job offer! I'll have to submit to a drug test and a background check before I get it get it, and I want that done before I resign, but yay me, a new job! And it's got a really nice benefits package (I've never had more than two weeks of vacation before, so usually I use them in one and two-day increments for holidays and emergencies - I may actually take a real vacation this next year) and I'm getting a great raise over my current position.

Be positive, put positive energy out into your world, receive positive energy in return. That's my one New Age-y core belief, but I'm telling you it's true. Things are working out.

Finally feeling myself again.

So on Friday my buddy called and wanted to meet up for drinks after work. Cool, says me. We meet up around 5:30. A couple cocktails later, we head for the next place and meet up with more people. More drinks, then the next several places. Next thing I know, it's 3am and I'm falling into bed. Then the alarm goes off at 6:30am. Then the phone starts ringing. Uggh. My head isn't even pounding yet - I'm still drunk.

Thankfully one of my friends offers to drive, and I pull up a seat in the back as we head to LaCrosse. All I want to do is sleep, but I instead get some greasy breakfast and three bottles of water to try to get it together. All day I was a mess! And people brought in food - brats and beer, welcome to Wisconsin, and then burgers and pizza for dinner. Good God man, this is not the winning plan for this kid. But what can you do? No car, strange town, captive audience. The day was fun, but long (it ran way too long for me), and when we headed home I just passed out in the car and snored my way back to St. Paul. Blech.

Sunday I slept until noon and was out of it all day. A friend called and I was spacey and lame on the phone, so I cut it short. I tried to go out, but I didn't want to do anything. Just lethargic. Ate bad too.

This morning I was 7 minutes into my elliptical when I finally felt better. I'm feeling myself now, but man was this weekend the opposite of relaxing! I'll have to work on that. Yuk. Oh, and big damage again - 308.4. Kill me.

Impatient

Well, the end of another week is here. A slight uptick in my weight has me aware of myself, though not overly concerned. Yet. On Tuesday I pitched a new job, and I'm pretty sure that I've got it. Mostly because the VP of eCommerce called me that evening and said that I've got it. However, she also said that I'd be receiving an electronic offer sheet the next day, and the offer would be FedEx'd to my place by Thursday. Wednesday I thought I was going to have the best day ever by both crossing the 300 pound barrier and resigning my current job - two huge weights lost. I left my Gmail account up on my screen all day, my eyes constantly flitting over to it, waiting, waiting. Nothing. All day, nothing. I ended up leaving work early, it was just too much pressure on myself. I think I drank two fruffy candy-bar-in-a-cup coffees from Starbucks that day. Yikes. Then yesterday for lunch we went to Red Robin - one of the best and WORST hamburger joints around. It was one of the guys' last Thursdays with us as he quit, so his choice. Ugg. Whereas in the past I've done okay, yesterday I just housed all my fries and my bacon and guacamole burger. Thankfully I only drank water! After that, another fruffy coffee. Yoi. I can't stop! I guess this is what the pros would call emotional eating. And that's annoying, because it just doesn't seem like something guys do. I should be watching football and killing defenseless animals and taking my wife for granted, not emotionally eating. ;)

Anyway, the VP emailed me yesterday and she said that HR policies dictate the the position must be posted internally for a week before an offer can be made to me, but that it's a done deal and the job is mine. That was good to hear. I was able to get work done after that, and I didn't go nutso anymore.

I spoke with my mom - she said that when I was little, I was always this way. If ever I got money and we were going shopping, she had to take me to get what I wanted first, lest I drive her absolutely bonkers all day. So the lesson here is, I'm impatient. Another character flaw, chalk it up.

Anyway, tomorrow morning I'm headed to LaCrosse, WI for a nerd day by way of a Warhammer tournament. I'm going to house some nerds, then we're going to grill brats and drink beer. Sounds pleasant. I'm bringing several bottles of water though - I can't go overboard bananas here. I need to be putting some distance between me and 300.

302.4 (though I'm still claiming to be under 300 to my friends - don't tell!)

Closet pants III

Yesterday after work I headed over to Marshalls, the discount clothing store. I need a new pair of closet pants, as I fit and regularly wear the two pair that I'd actually found in my closet. I decided that Marshalls was the place to go, because I didn't want to spend more than $50 on a pair of jeans that I intend on shrinking out of in a couple months time (though I do intend to buy a pair of $500 Versace jeans when I hit a 33 waist - a waste, to be sure, but dammit sometimes you have to treat yourself and I've always wanted one pair of designer jeans).

The thing about Marshalls is, they're so feast or famine! Last night's row of size 38s had a *ton* of junky brands, brands I'd *never* heard of, or jeans with bizarre stitching patterns or weird patches sewn in on them. To be fair I've been out of buying normal jeans in a normal store for several years now, but really? Does Tommy Hilfiger or Polo not make jeans anymore? Am I that out of style? Do Levis still exist? What's going on here? Arggh!

After I'd made up my mind to go with a pair that I hated slightly less than all the others, I did one final loop through the men's section, just to be sure. I found myself first by the socks, where I decided that it was a good time to do my binge/purge routine, wherein I buy 18-20 new pairs of socks, then come home and cull all the existing white socks I own, throwing them out. Honestly, fresh, thick white cotton socks on my feets is one of the best feelings in the world! Once for a birthday a friend of mine bought me a six pack of socks and I still think it's one of the better gifts I've ever received. Then I looped through the underwear section. I think that either all male underwear models have the biggest flaccid penises in the world, or like me they pick up some fresh socks regularly. These pictures don't make me want to buy the underwear, they make me wonder if I need an erection to fill them out properly. Apparently the underwear makers have decided that wives and girlfriends buy the guy in their life underwear? Let's just move on.

I looped back to the 38s, just for one more go at them. Maybe I missed something, you know? Perry Ellis, Perry Ellis, Perry El -- wait a minute... What!? Are these... Lucky Brand? Really? I *love* Lucky jeans! I wore them almost exclusively in college. Fantastic denim. And they're here? In Marshalls? Does this mean that Lucky Brand are lame now? Do I need to go buy a new copy of Details magazine? Whatever - I was totally excited! So I bought my pair of 38 Luckys and took 'em home. I peeled off the tags (these guys ain't going back, even if they don't fit... well, *especially* if they don't fit), then went into the bedroom and tried them on. One leg through... not bad around the thigh. A second leg... still doing okay, mostly. Up over my butt and we're still in the game... button them an -- button them an-- button... No. No go. If I sucked it all in and held my breath I could button them, but then I look like a total asshole with an extra-poochy belly as all my fat gets pushed up and over the waistline. Oh well. I'll try again in two weeks. :)

Where's my dancing bears?

Growing up American, we're trained from an early age to believe that our hard work will be rewarded. The popular movies and television shows all tend to end with the hero beating the odds, blowing up the Death Star and getting a medal of honor from a beautiful princess in front of thousands of onlookers. Well, unless you're Chewbacca. That dude? Got screwed.

This morning I'm below three hundred pounds for the first time in years. I've also lost 35 pounds, and 10% of my former self. There's no medal ceremony. There's no throngs of scantily clad women cooing their congratulations. There's no dancing bears. Where are my dancing bears? I want dancing bears! Wait, no I don't... well, maybe one.

Nope, I cross this barrier on a random autumn day, unnoticed by anyone but me. And you know what? That's okay. Now it's done. And now I'm in the two-hundreds. But there's a lot of work ahead, so tomorrow it's back up and early, lifting hard, kicking the elliptical up another level and getting the shirt soaked.

There's a phrase that people out in the weight-loss blogosphere use - it's called ONEderland, and it's where you are once you're out of the two-hundreds. It's a place I've been to, but I think I left it by the time I was 22. I hear it's nice this time of year. I hear they have dancing bears. I think I'm going to go back there soon.

299.5

Tag, huh?

Looks like my blogging buddy Will over at 4xlt tagged me in my comments earlier today, which now means that I have to tell my readers 6 random facts or interesting things about myself that they might not necessarily know.

1. My name is Andrew, though since I was in third grade I've been called Roder. I once played the theme to Peanuts on a piano and because my friends weren't clever they called me Schroder, after the piano-playing kid that Lucy crushes on. It took about a day to shorten it. There was a brief respite from that name when I moved away from Minneapolis to Rochester, MN to start my freshman year of high school. People suddenly decided to call me Andy (I'd always been either Andrew (Dad's side of the family), or Drew (Mom's side)). When I hear the name Andy now it's like stumbling upon an old relic lost in time.

Also, it turns out there were a *lot* of unclever kids, and as a result Roder is a seemingly more popular nickname than I'd like to believe; it is taken on every messageboard slash ps3 slash xbox slash whatever, so I've picked up RodeDaddy as a fall back.

2. I primarily listen to some pretty aggressive music. I'd have thought that by my age I'd have transitioned into more of an 'adult contemporary' listener, but I can't seem to shake the angry metal and aggressive rap. I listen to it in the car as loudly as possible (down to 4 speakers from 12 - lol!), though sometimes I've clenched my teeth so hard while driving that my jaw's joint is sore for hours afterward. And yet, as much as I love Black Label Society, my favorite artist of all time is... Michael Jackson. When nobody's watching? I'll dance to his music. Fact!

3. I've never once cheated on a girlfriend. Some things are important.

4. I've cheated on every math exam I could. Some things aren't.

5. One time I had to drive 70 minutes to work, and traffic had stopped on the highway. Like, parking lot stopped. And I had to pee. Bad. So I made the decision to pee on the floormat of my car. Of all the stories that I tell, it might be my best. I'd rather have a good story that will make friends laugh than have a pee-free car. Though a pee-free car is like number two on the list of things I'd like to have. Guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. :)

6. I paint elves. lol. Seriously. It's so nerdy and dorky and not like anything else I'm into, but for whatever reason I love the game Warhammer and will paint these little figures. I obsess about the right shade of red - should I add blue to it and give the hue a cooler purple base, or should I add brown to give it an earthy, muddy quality? Gah! These nerdy things have been featured in hobby magazines and websites. I've never told some of my closest friends about this hobby that I've been doing for almost 9 years. Eighteen months ago I was held up at gunpoint and my car got jacked with my miniatures inside. My insurance paid me for my loss. I got $11,000. Nerd!!!

And with that, I'm off to tag some bloggers... Lyn, Marshmallow, Melissa, Bikini Envy and Lorrie, y'all are up!

Excuses excuses...

Every morning I leave for the gym at 6:45, and every morning I return to my building at 8:10ish. Usually as I'm leaving I run into one of the few maintenance people who work here (we'll call him Beardy) - we pass by each other, nod our heads, grumble a short hello if we're feeling especially chipper - then when I return the whole crew of 'em are getting out of their morning meeting and are usually having a brief coffee and chat in the hallways.

Today on my way back in, I was feeling a little down. First, fire my assistant because judging by the way my shirt smelled once I took about seven steps on the elliptical I could tell that someone missed laundry day. Oof was it stinkin'. Then I finished up my morning jog, only I wasn't really huffing or puffing, and the customary four or five inches of sweat ring around my neck was only an inch of wet, dark grey. Weaksauce! I need to kick it up another notch it seems. And apparently it's already been three weeks, so the deadlift was swapped out in favor of some high-row exercise. The problem here is that the high-row, while no doubt being a fine exercise it its own right, doesn't really get the whole body moving. I think I've mentioned it, but if you search a few weight-lifting messageboards, looking for the one single best weight-lifting exercise to do, they'll say the Olympic Clean and Jerk. Then the thread devolves into gnashing of teeth as the trolls insist that the OCJ is actually like 6 exercises in one. Whatever nerds, quit arguing! But if you dig a bit further, you'll find that the two exercises that are most often cited are the Squat and the Deadlift. They work such huge muscle groups and really give you a spike to your heartrate, so you are not only adding muscle, but you're burning lots of calories as you cook your muscles and you're going to elevate your metabolism as a result. So I really do try to keep those two in the weekly routine, but sometimes I'm beat by my workout partner who, in all fairness, is just keeping us honest by switching in and out other exercises. Point being, we did three isolation exercises today and I just didn't get a huge rush, nor did I have a big sweat. So I was a bit blue.

Anyway, on my way back in Beardy stepped away from his cronies as I passed. "Hey," he said as I nodded my silent hello, "you ah... you still doing this huh? I mean, I see you coming back in all sweaty every morning. Been doing it awhile. That's good. Wish I could have that kind of motivation."

"Yeah," I smiled somewhat sheepishly as I kept moving, "gotta take care of business."

"I'd like to do that too," said Beardy. "But a'corse, my wife ya know. She don't want me out there, playin' around or whatever. Gotta be home, ya know? But maybe I'll figure somethin' out. Just gotta find the motivation."

"Sure," I said as I stepped into the elevator, "I hear you."

What I heard were excuses. And they're so easy. I've got a spouse. I've got a baby. I've got a job. I need to watch Lost. I need to clean the house. I just need a breather, to sit and chill out for a bit. Blah blah blah.

Funny - when I started writing this post the point was going to be that I appreciate Beardy taking notice of my hard work. But now I've kind of had a change of mind halfway through - I guess I'm tired of hearing excuses. The Why I Can'ts. Because it's bullshit. You don't have to do 60 minutes 5 days a week. That's just what I do. But you can find time in your schedule for 30 minutes a day. Or 30 minutes three days a week. You just can. So do it. Drop the excuses. Find the time. Make the time. For you.

302.2

Monday update

This weekend my apartment building did its annual switchover from the central AC to central heat. Makes sense - we are talking about mid-October in Minnesota. However, this weekend was unusually warm, and quite humid as well. Fact of the matter is, as I'm sitting here typing, I'm sweating. Blech. See, I'm on the third floor of this big complex, and that means that all the old biddies below me crank their heat to tropical levels. That stuff rises and this guy gets cooked. During the summer my electricity bill is around $70 from the constant AC usage. In the winter? $20. I don't ever turn my heat on - I open the balcony door and try to cool down. So right now? I didn't sleep for shit. Pretty miserable. But it's supposed to cool down this week, so I'm holding out hope that things get back to okay pretty quickly.

In weight-related news, I'm up my traditional 3 pounds after a weekend of contributing nothing to the good of my world. Fantastic! ;) I did soak my shirt at the gym, so hopefully I shed it by tomorrow, as per usual. But that does mean that I officially have not broken that 300lb barrier just yet.

This morning I've got my doctor's appointment. A full physical. It's my understanding that there will be probing fingers in my anus. I kinda wishing that right now I had a female doctor, if only for the smaller diameter of her digits. Good lord I'm not looking forward to this. And I'm really hoping that diabetes isn't in my immediate future. Bah. I guess I'm feeling a bit nervous.

Not there yet.

Not my weight. Well, maybe not. I don't know. Honestly, I'm not going to weigh in today.

Earlier this week I was reading a couple other blogs that are out there. Lyn, over at Escape from Obesity (link to the right) is a very interesting read. She's so open and honest about her struggles with obsession and weight loss and food addiction. Reading her blog is like going back and reading some of my earlier posts - they seem to be more about the emotional/mental component than they do the physical weight loss diet/exercise stuff I've been writing about lately. Then I read a post from John at John is Fit, who's recent post was called A Weight Loss Blog About Nothing, wherein he describes not really having anything of value to post, but posting anyway just to stay honest.

I feel like John a bit - I've become a bit of a broken record, especially in terms of gain a bit on the weekend, having it gone by Tuesday, lose a few more pounds, keep moving forward. That's really been it. And it's been a great broken record - don't get me wrong. I'm really happy with my progress so far. I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday morning, and since last month when I saw him I'm down 20 pounds. So this is excellent! But - somewhere along the way I forgot that the physical exercise/diet is only part of the equation.

I forgot about the mental/emotional part.

Last night I made a mistake. A huge blunder. Sometimes my mind makes these bizarre connections between events, filling in things that aren't there. And last night was one of those times. I'm not going to go into it now, but suffice to say I felt/still feel like a total asshole. I let my friend down, but more importantly I let myself down.

I have another friend who thinks we all stand to benefit from therapy. Being that she's a psychologist I'm inclined to believe that she may be experiencing a systemic bias, but even if that's true it doesn't mean she's wrong. I don't know... I'm just feeling like I totally set myself back, when I'd been thinking that I'd made such big strides. I'm impulsive and reckless and foolish, and when I turn that on myself I can become quite self-destructive; but when I errantly turn it on someone else?

All I can say is I'm sorry.

So no weigh in; there are other things to focus on improving today.

Ain't it always the way?

I was really hoping to hit 300 today. But secretly? I was hoping to hit 299. I've been having such a big week in terms of losses that I kind of hoped too hard perhaps. You know, it was like this when I got to 30 pounds too - I thought I was there, I was ready for it, then -BAM- I'd gone up a tick and missed it.

So I'm not at 299 yet. And seeing as how today I did arms (doesn't make me sweat nearly as hard as back day), I'm not convinced that I'll see 299 tomorrow. Especially when one factors in the fact that I've got a group lunch today and will probably end up with a chimichanga or a cheeseburger or something else equally stupid. C'mon me, don't be stupid!

Anyway, that's that. 300.8

Holy crap.

301.7

This is going to be a good week. Believe it.

Yesterday I went to the gym after work. It’s a bit more challenging at that time - I’m a bit wiped out from work, and because I didn’t get any morning exercise, my energy levels were low. But I soldiered on and did my interval elliptical on lvl 9 for 20 minutes, then did weight training for my back.

I did three sets of 135 pound deadlifts - this is only the second time doing the exercise, so I’m still working on form. As a result I’m keeping the weight lower and really focusing on the correct movement here. My heart rate was spiking like mad when I’d do my 10 lifts, and I was sucking wind big time after the third set. Good stuff there!

Next I did the close-grip lat pulldown. Again three sets, this time at (I believe) 100, 115, 130 pounds. I could really feel it in my sides after the first set.

Finally I did the T-bar row. It’s quickly become a favorite exercise of mine. It’s just weight, with you lifting it up against gravity. I did 55, 65, 75 pounds here.

This morning I was back to the routine. 20 minutes of elliptical, then chest day.

We did the incline press, the decline press, then flat dumbbell presses. Holy banana was I feeling it by the second set of dumbbell presses! I just barely got the 10th one of the third set done. Weight on the dumbbell was 45, 55, 55.

I don't much care for evening workouts.

"One nice thing - sure are a lot more girls here."

"Huh?" he said, his head spinning around fast and his eyes wide, as though he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Girls," I repeated as I surveyed the gym from atop my elliptical machine. "It's the one nice thing about working out in the evening."

A wide grin broke across Dan's face. "Yep."

Still Going Strong

This morning's update is a quick one - my workout partner's wife has a meeting out of town, so we're forgoing our morning workout for an evening one instead. I'm not nearly as big a fan of working out after work - I'm a bit tired, and because I didn't get my morning exercise, I've got less energy throughout my workday. But it's just one of those things that has come up, so whatever, I'll deal with it.

As people who regularly read this blog know, weekends are by far my biggest issue. I've done the 10 pound gain, the 5 pound gain, and the wasted week as a result. But this past weekend, I seem to have done a much better job.

Many of us have little numbers in our heads that mean something. Obviously hitting the nice round numbers of being under 300, 250, 200... those are pretty clear numbers we want to hit. But personally... The lowest weight I remember being at in this apartment in the last three years was 303.3, and that was when my friend at work had quit and I was debating leaving too and stressed out and not eating. That was roughly three years ago. So while 303 and 299 are very close, 299 is more of a big picture, community-shared number, whereas 303 is a much more personal, emotional number.

Today I'm 302.5.

Pretty decent weekend

Back in April, I went to Chicago with some friends to participate in a game tournament. We get kind of jazzed up for these events, and last fall had some shirts custom made for ourselves. Mine was a 3xl, of course. Well, by April I'd beefed up to the point where this shirt didn't really fit. At all. I wore it only one of the three days, and I could really only button the bottom button, and that was kind of a stretch. My stomach spilled out, and lifted up the hem of the shirt to the point that if I raised my arms a bit, someone could see a bit of tummy out from under it.

How embarassing.

I remember just having a miserable day. I felt awful, I looked awful. I think I went outside and sucked down two packs of cigarettes by 6pm that day. Just terrible.

This past Saturday I got back together with those friends to play the game again. And I grabbed that shirt. I put it on, buttoned it up, then noticed how much room there still was in the shirt. It's a bit billowy.

How wonderful.

304.8

30!

304.4 takes me down 1.5 pounds from yesterday (clearly just a weird hiccup as I'm still averaging between half and 1 pound a day here), but more importantly it gets me past 30 pounds lost! Wow. That's some work. The first five are pretty much free. It's like a starter kit. The second 5 were easy too, but at 300+ they ought to be. But the last 20? This kid worked for those. Believe it.

Next goal, just under five pounds. Then two things happen - I'm under 300 for the first time in years, and I cross my 10% lost barrier with 35 out of my original 335 gone. Well, technically I guess the 10% happens a couple pounds sooner, but whatever. Point being, I'm close! However, and this is *very* important to understand, less than 300 is not my goal. It's only a milestone along the long path to a better me. An important milestone to be sure, but not my goal. I understand, and now you understand that I understand. But hey... 30!

Uh-oh.

Man, I was so jazzed to hit 30 pounds lost today! Yesterday for lunch I had a salad (grabbed the wrong one - it didn't even have chicken. dang.), then some fruit and a water. For dinner a 12" club, water, apples. I got on the scale this morning and... 306.1. That's *NOT* 305. Not at all. I guess I did have a 12oz can of 7up before bed, but man... I'm bummed. This could be the bad lunch/dinner from two days ago though, and this is what happens when you workout through a bad meal day. I don't know. I'll have to be analytical with regards to today.

Overall though, that means I'm going to have the worst week yet for my weight loss. I still have another weigh-in tomorrow, but man.

You know... I switched to intervals on the elliptical. All week. And now I'm having a crappy weight-loss week. Are they related? Should I switch to a higher degree of difficulty on the intervals? I just don't know. I'm learning as I go.

Bottom line, today I went up in weight. And that sucks, especially as I was *so close* to hitting another milestone. Lesson? When you fall down, get back up. And quickly. So I will.

tough times

Yesterday we were sitting at work, when the boss had an impromptu meeting with some of the long-time folks from work. I wasn't called back, and I was grateful, because I knew what was going down... layoffs.

I work for a small company of 16 people doing web/graphic design. I've been there 8+ years. Some of the people let go yesterday had been there 20+ years. No severance package, no healthcare for the month of October, nothing. Lots of tears.

So I went to lunch with the remaining members of my web department, along with Joe, who'd been there for 20 years. His first job out of high school! He's 38 now. Anyway, we said we'd go anywhere he wanted to. He wanted to go to some greasy spoon sports bar dive. So we did. And we all had big, greasy burgers and talked to him and wondered why him and why not other people. I did skip the fries and had cottage cheese instead, along with water instead of soda, so I made an effort.

Then for dinner I had a meatball sub from Subway. I know I shouldn't have, but dammit I was just in a mood. So I did. At least I went with wheat bread and no salt, then skipped the cookies/chips and just drank water.

Yesterday for Big Back Day we swapped in a new exercise... the deadlift. Oh. My. God. If you haven't done it, and I wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't... it's insane. My upper back is screaming at me this morning, which is a good feeling, because I do like the soreness of hard-worked muscles. Let's me know things are going well. Today I did intervals on the elliptical to mix it up (actually I've done that the past three days now), and I kicked it up to lvl 8. I was sweating hard within 7 or 8 minutes, so that was really really good! Today was chest, and I did flat bench (failed my last two reps of the third set... ugg), then dumbbell chest press, then cable crossovers. I felt a big pump leaving the gym today. I'm ready to move forward at work. I guess. Actually, I'm ready to find a new job. I already have one good lead, but I'd like to not put all my eggs in that basket. Anyone know of a nice company around St. Paul, MN that needs a Senior Web/User Experience Designer? Let me know... :)

305.4