Monday, September 15, 2008


So after my little XXL shirt experiment (fail, btw), I decided that I was a glutton for punishment and went digging into my closet for pants.

Two things about these closet pants - the first, they're called closet pants because that's where they live. Not out among the active pants that I might wear to some fashionable joint like... the mall. Or the grocery store. Or work. Nope, my closet pants don't fit, so much like the Isle of Misfit Toys, the closet is the current last stop for my non-fitting stuff. Lots of shirts in there too. And it kind smells like old in there. I don't really venture into the closet too much.

Second - I don't have too many pairs of closet pants left. Back in December or so of last year, I made a good, but bad choice. See, I had tons of pants that were just sitting around, collecting dust and old smell. And I have a buddy who, while a bit husky, isn't fat, but is broke. He burned through his one or two pairs of pants (I mean, *really* broke), so I gave him my pants. I thought to myself that screw it, I was now officially a fat guy, and that wasn't going to change. I didn't need size 36 or 38 pants (still fatty pants, btw). So I gave them all away.

And now things have changed.

Currently I'm wearing size 44 pants. While that's big, some dudes at my weight are in the fifties. Apparently my weight didn't cling to my hips, it went to my sweet gut instead. Whatever. So I went into the closet and lo and behold... three pair of jeans were up on the top shelf! I grabbed the first pair - a pair of 42s in a brand I'd never heard of. Did I even buy these? Seriously, I have no recollection of them. They looked fairly new, as in unworn. Hmm. So I tried them on. As I was drawing them up over my thigh, I was waiting for the worst but mildly surprised. Then I pulled them up over my butt. Still fine. I went to button them, and... erm... they did. They buttoned. Not like, omg these pants are so loose, but more in a, "hey, we're going to button for you, but you're still probably a couple weeks of hard work away from sitting comfortably in us" way. Neat! So then I grabbed the second pair, again a pair of 42s. They slid on more comfortably than the previous pair! I went to button them and - wait a minute... where's the? What? No button? Apparently I've done this experiment before. Weird. No recollection, but these jeans (decent-looking, and a brand I've heard of), would fit quite comfortably. If they had a button. Whatever.

The third pair were a set of 40s, but in an 'urban' brand, so they're probably a bit generous. I hoped. I pulled them on and immediately felt them constrict around my thighs. I pulled them over my butt, but they resisted. And once they were on, I went to button them. No dice. Like, a good two inches of no dice. Dammit.

But it's actually okay. Now I have those 40s sitting on a shelf by my bed, waiting for me. They want to be my buddy again. So once that happens... I guess that means that I can shop for jeans in a normal store. No more Casual Male XL for those. So damn close. And once a 2xl fits, I'll never have to step foot in that store again! I can't wait to never give them my business.

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