Friday, September 12, 2008

Opening up a bit more

I think part of the fixing/rebuilding process is letting other people in. In one of my earlier posts from July I'd written that I was two weeks into my new deal, but that I wasn't telling anyone because I didn't want to drop the ball and look like an asshole. Lots of those feelings came from a place of fear - fear that I wouldn't last at the program. Fear that I wouldn't lose weight even if I tried. Fear that if I messed up I'd be rejected by my friends. And shame that admitting that I had a problem would show weakness. And worthlessness. But now I realize that it's okay. Because I'm okay. Hell, I'm better than that, I'm pretty goddamn sweet. So I'm sharing a bit more. Letting more people who know me personally know what I'm up to. It's good. It's healthy. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally healthy to open up a bit (though don't mistake my kindness and less-vicious personal attacks as weakness - just a sign that I'm a better person. lol). So yeah, I guess I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

I tend to write some of these entries from a place of personal introspection. Which means that sometimes if I'm feeling superficial I'll just post about what I did today (elliptical on lvl 6, hack squats, leg curls and the step up thing of doom bullshit, whatever they call it), and sometimes I'll reveal a bit more. Last time I kept a blog I did the same thing, only once I'd told too many people about it, I started getting people busting my chops a bit over some of the posts I'd made, or some of the feelings I'd had. So I kind of stopped posting. Then I just deleted that fucker. And I guess that right now it's probably a good thing, because I ended up getting kind of weird and dark and miserable on that thing, and it wouldn't be a good reflection of who I am right now. But sometimes I kind of want to go back and read it anyway. I can look in the mirror or step on the scale right now and see the physical changes I'm experiencing, but to read those old posts would be a fun (or disasterous?) way to see the emotional changes I'm experiencing.

I have no idea what I'm rambling about today.

And now I'm down to 314.5. No suprise that I didn't drop a full pound - yesterday I had a Red Robin hamburger for lunch. Well, half of one anyway. I saved the other half for dinner. But I had fries and a Mountain Dew (the blue Voltage kind - they're so damn good!), then two more at dinner along with some sort of candy/pastery thing that probably had enough preservatives to keep me looking gorgeous for days if it caused a heartattack and I keeled over. Anyway, what the hell was I rambling about? Right. Oh yeah. 314.5. So that's 4.6 pounds until I'm in the oughts, and that's pretty awesome. I believe I've still got a week and a half until my timeline expires for that goal, so I'm right on schedule. I do have a trip out of town tomorrow which could potentially throw a wrench into the plans, but I'll just do the best job I can do and keep my eyes (and mind) on the prize.

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Where I've Been and Where I'm Going