Monday, September 08, 2008

I'd like a love-life.

I'm single. I have been for awhile. It's been well over a year since I broke up with my last serious girlfriend, and I haven't done a very good job of replacing that missing piece in my life. I pretty much just ate unhealthy foods and smoked. Ugh. So one of the unspoken (or unwritten) goals I've had is to find someone to share myself with. The plan was to lose enough weight to feel good about myself again, then either put myself up on a dating site or ask friends if they know any single women or whatever. Not fully formulated, but I'm really not quite ready for that plan when I'm still 130+ pounds away from the big goal, which is to fix me.

I'm not really into New Age philosophy, but as I've gotten older I admit that I do believe certain things - I believe that you get back from the universe (or whatever spiritual power/mystic energy/other entity) what you put into it. For years I've put nothing but negativity and apathy out there, and that's what I've received, that's what I became. But in the couple months since really changing my outlook, I'm finding that good things are coming my way.

So randomly I was on Facebook and ended up chatting with an old friend from high school. Then the last two weekends I've had her up to visit. I haven't seen her in years, and I've been enjoying the reconnecting process. Turns out she's great. Smart, cute, fun, funny. And she likes to cook! We went grocery shopping and then she made me fajitas. How cool is that?

Unfortunately, she lives somewhat far from me. It's a 90 minute drive. Both she and I have had long-distance relationships in the past and neither want to do that again. In addition, she's flat-out told me that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now. And I really want to respect her wants and needs. But because of how I look, my self-esteem has me questioning if she really doesn't want a boyfriend or if she just doesn't want me as a boyfriend. I guess I'm not totally satisfied with either answer, but right now it's a waste of time to wonder, so I won't. I just wish that I could spend more time with her. I'm not in love, but I'm not afraid to fall in love, and I'd hate to miss an opportunity (especially when I feel like I'm getting a second chance at this missed opportunity from 15 years earlier). I've made the decision to choose unhappiness over happiness in the past by not following my heart and making a move across several states, and it's... it's a regret. And it's a mistake that I'd rather not make again, which means that if I have to give up a decent-paying gig and a (too?) comfortable way of life to make something work I would.

But like I said, she doesn't want a boyfriend. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing - going to the gym every morning, staying positive, putting out good energy and hoping for goodness in return. And in 100 pounds, I'll be asking my friends if they know any cute, single girls...

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