Wanted

On this past Sunday night my current boss called me. I had company over and we were just going to sit down for some takeout and a dvd, but I ended up talking to him briefly. He wanted to talk about some random project at work, but what he *really* wanted to do was tell me that he wanted to keep me on staff. He wanted to give me a counter-offer, matching my new salary at the new place. I gave him a couple soft, indirect 'no's, then told him that I'd do lunch with him and we could discuss it. I always prefer to do important things face-to-face. Even though I'm a terrible player of politics and an even worse liar, so when pressed I tend to make weird faces and clam up or have my words come out in short, staccato phrases, I still have an idealistic way in my mind of how a man should act and be, and part of that means handling business 'as a man should', regardless of how not a man I sometimes feel. And as I resigned over the phone as he was out of town, I feel like I owe it to him and myself to join him and give him my reasons for leaving. And I also feel like I owe it to him out of respect.

But this brings me to my point today - his call? His wanting to do lunch? His counter-offer? It makes me feel wanted. Needed. It's a feeling I crave.

I don't have any siblings. My parents live 1000 miles away, in Texas, and I see them twice a year at most (and won't see them for Thanksgiving this year as I don't have any vacation time at the new position for 30 days after my start date). I haven't had anyone special in my life in several years. And I've gone through a long period of self-loathing and disgust. But suddenly, both this new place, and my current place, want me. Me! Not just an applicant. Not someone with the requisite skill set to complete set tasks. They want Andrew. It makes me feel good.

So I'll do lunch with him. And I'll be polite and charming and gracious and respectful and will at the end decline his counter-offer.

Now I just need to feel wanted by someone in my personal life. Yesterday I went to lunch with some friends, and we went for Chinese food. My fortune cookie? "Watch for a new relationship to develop within the month." I don't believe in fortune cookies or tarot cards or magic or ghosts.

But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that I'll find someone who wants to be with me.

Wow, this took a weird left turn. I should edit it. But I won't.

294.5 - that's forty pounds friends. :)