Monday, January 19, 2009

Weird night

I seem to be having one of those weird nights. I didn't talk much to my buddy today via email. Always a bit of a bummer. Then tonight I didn't hear from her at all. And I was sitting there thinking, what's going on? And the old me just resurfaced. The version with the low self-esteem. I was wondering if she'd figured out that I really am as lame as I know I am. That maybe she'd made the decision to not talk to me as much anymore. Maybe pulling away slowly or whatever? I don't know. I don't know! And I was just filling myself with these weird, negative and shameful thoughts. And the thing is, she's not even like that. I have no idea why I was projecting these behaviors onto her, but I just was. And I hate that I did that. Totally not fair to her, or to me. You're probably just thinking, "why didn't you just call her?" I don't have a good answer. I kind of thought, well, if that's how it is then that's how it is, and I don't want to make it weird or difficult or whatever. Just... just thinking garbage I guess. Just feeling blue. No good answers here, just some self-awareness.

So then it's 10:30 (up a bit later then normal Roder, what's on your mind???) and I get up, start getting ready for bed. I go to grab my phone. Uh... where is it? Uh... oh, it's in my coat pocket. And it's dead. And now it's on the charger, and there's both a text message and a voicemail from her.

The thing is, losing weight really isn't hard in the logical sense. Do your cardio, lift some weights, eat healthy and control your portions. You can get into more detail, but if you apply those principles against a long enough timeline, you'll lose all the weight you want. It's the mental and emotional side that sometimes fall out of whack and leads you to not follow your plan. To blow it. To binge.

So right now I'm feeling three things - stupid for not plugging my phone in when I got home, pleased that I was wrong, and so very, very glad that I don't keep any comfort food in my apartment.

Goodnight peeps. Don't let you get you down. :)

11 comments:

Tena said...

Good advice! Glad you got your message!

Twice the Man said...

great play on words Tena, and she is right Roder. Sleep well.

Hanlie said...

Isn't this exactly why we do a lot of the self-defeating things we do? We act on wrong information and perceptions! I actually had a bit of a light-bulb moment reading this... Thanks!

Kristen said...

...and maybe she was freaking out wondering why you weren't responding to her messages.

Jai Johnson said...

Oh...been there. It's really easy to feel sorry for ourselves and get down on ourselves when we don't feel good about ourselves. Glad you heard from her...and super glad you didn't succumb to food!

Lady with a View said...

Totally agree - breaking the emotional connection we have with food is one ofthe hardest things about making a life long change.

Glad she called :)

~TMcGee~ said...

I'm glad she called. :-) I've done this very thing with getting myself down for no good reason. Hope that you are having a wonderful day!

Roder said...

I'm glad she called too. Not because I was desperate to talk, but because it helped to illuminate my issues with myself.

Katschi (Karen) said...

"Don't let you get you down" I really like that cause it can be true so many times. We can be our own worst enemies.
I'm so happy you were wrong, too!
:)

Kimberly said...

Awesome post! This is one of those that I will keep and savor and use again when the crazy, insecure, emotionally damaged part of me tries to rear her fat ugly head.

Pamela said...

Wow, I thought I was the only one that had the tendency to start thinking like that. I agree that this was a great post! Lots to think about!

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