Monday, January 26, 2009

The weekend

"Are you nervous?" she asked me, no doubt feeling my anxiety level rising.
"No," I lied. "I'm sure it will be fine."

And it was. Really, it always is. The lesson is that for the most part, the difficulty is in my head. However, my friend and I were meeting up with a woman who I last saw 15 years ago on the steps of my high school, dressed in purple graduation robes. She and I were never close back then, so at best I'm a superficial curiosity, someone to add to the stack of names when getting together with old classmates to play "Guess who got fat and bald!"

I'm really not sure how to address it. One of the first questions was, "what have you been up to for the last 15 years?" and while I was able to rattle off a laundry list of events, I seemingly avoided the elephant standing in the room, which was that I'm 100 pounds heavier than the last time she saw me. How does one say, "oh, and somewhere around three or four years ago, I threw in the towel and gave up on myself. I decided that I was going to use food as my drug of comfort and bear the scars by allowing myself to walk with a waddle and have a self-esteem that bottomed out somewhere in the Sunda Trench? Do I immediately talk about how I've turned a corner and lost 60+ pounds and like myself again? Do I avoid talking about much at all? Do I just ignore it and act normal? I did my best to go with option 3. And after several cocktails, it got easier.

Bottom line, I'm really *really* ready for my body to catch up with my brain. It's just such a long goddamn process. And you can say that Rome wasn't built in a day, or that I didn't put it on overnight so I can't take it off overnight, but man... I'd like to be comfortable taking pictures again.


Rebecca said...

I totally know what you mean. I am so ready for my body to catch up too!

Carlos said...

same here so ready for the catch up. been doing the "so what have you been up too for the last 15yrs" a lot thanks to FaceBook. It's a sword that cuts both ways

Fried Jeff said...

I admire your courage to meet up with old friends. I'm still in the "avoid everyone who used to know me before I gave up" phase.

I hadn't thought of it being "before I gave up" before I read your post, but that's exactly what it is.

I'm new to your blog and it's nice to meet you. Congratulations on your success. I look forward to following your progress. I'm just beginning my journey and it's nice to meet people who have made good progress.

MizFit said...

I know. the internet? a bigbiggift and a ragingcurse.

Katschi (Karen) said...

I'm ready for that, too, Roder.
I have alot of 'splaining to do myself about the last 14 years.
I figure by the end of this year I'll be at goal so really in the big scheme of things, it's not that far away.
I believe you'll be there then too, don't you?

Karen said...

Agreed! Keep up the good work.

Fat4Now said...

PMA (Positive Mental Attitude)
We will all get there :)

Ashleigh said...

You totally hit this one on the head...or the nail? Or hit the nail on the head? Uhhhh whatever the expression is, I TOTALLY sympathize.
I can't even to begin to count the events and social outtings I've avoided simply out of fear that I'd run into someone from the 'skinny' days.

I think its amazing how far you have come! I also think its a good thing that we can't lose 100lbs overnight because holy shit, look how hard it is for us to adjust already. I think one of the hardest challenges in the whole weight loss journey is morphing back into a healthy persons mentality.

Carrie said...

Strangely enough, I feel you on that. Not that I've really had your experience, but I noticed about a month ago that I wanted to kinda avoid anyone I knew prior to last August, as I was feeling pretty uncomfortable with myself. However, you know where you have come from, and it's how you hold that information in your head that makes the difference, not the other person's opinion.

So here's to meeting back up with old friends!

Stephanie said...

It can be so anxiety provoking meeting up with people from the past and feeling like you have to measure up, to be a certain way. Good for you for having the courage to do it, and to work towards change.

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