So I've been thinking about this post on and off a bit today. See, Dale is a friend of mine. He's also one of the original four from the FGC. And today he admitted that he's wanted me to fail in my quest to lose weight and find the life I've been missing out on.
The thing is, I don't begrudge him for his feelings. I understand. Back when I smoked and someone in my crew of friends would decide to quit? I was the guy who secretly rooted for them to fail. I'd want them to come back to the sticks. Come back to me. Make me feel like it was alright that I smoked, even though I knew it wasn't. I didn't want to be the odd man out, my fingers reeking of burnt tobacco, my clothing dusty with ash and my teeth yellowing from the nicotine. Hanging out with others like me would sometimes let me forget to hate myself for awhile. Misery loves company and that whole bit.
When I walk into a room, I instinctively look for a man or woman who looks like me; a stomach and/or ass ballooned up, threatening to make sliding in and out of a booth at lunchtime a hassle, shirt tails pulled out from their waistband in an attempt to hide the shame, shoulders hunched forward so that the stretch of their clothing across the chest and gut aren't as noticeable. I understand the need to not be the only one. To know that I'm not a total freak.
Dale, you're not a freak. You're just a guy who's wishing he weren't as big as he is. I know man. I understand. I've been there. I'm still there. Lots of people reading this post and visiting your blog have been there and will know and understand too. Unfortunately I don't know how wishing you were thin turns into acting to become thin. If I did man, I'd totally share the secret. Maybe you read a blog or a book and find some motivation. Maybe you or your loved one has a medical condition that forces you to act. Maybe you wake up and decide to just do it. Maybe you just run out of wishes.
But wishing failure on me won't making you thinner. It will only make you hateful and spiteful and mean. Like me. Like I used to be. And then we'd both be miserable again.
Anyway, whatever it is man, I hope you find it. I can tell you this though - my self esteem has been climbing and climbing these past few months. I'm seeing it manifest in small ways: the way I take care of myself - shaving everyday, caring about how I dress, managing my general appearance. And it shows in the way I interact with other people too - I'm not just a total dick anymore. Turns out I'm actually a man with value. I'm worth something, to other people and to myself. And that? That's a pretty awesome fucking feeling.
I'm rooting for you man.