Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dale

So I've been thinking about this post on and off a bit today. See, Dale is a friend of mine. He's also one of the original four from the FGC. And today he admitted that he's wanted me to fail in my quest to lose weight and find the life I've been missing out on.

The thing is, I don't begrudge him for his feelings. I understand. Back when I smoked and someone in my crew of friends would decide to quit? I was the guy who secretly rooted for them to fail. I'd want them to come back to the sticks. Come back to me. Make me feel like it was alright that I smoked, even though I knew it wasn't. I didn't want to be the odd man out, my fingers reeking of burnt tobacco, my clothing dusty with ash and my teeth yellowing from the nicotine. Hanging out with others like me would sometimes let me forget to hate myself for awhile. Misery loves company and that whole bit.

When I walk into a room, I instinctively look for a man or woman who looks like me; a stomach and/or ass ballooned up, threatening to make sliding in and out of a booth at lunchtime a hassle, shirt tails pulled out from their waistband in an attempt to hide the shame, shoulders hunched forward so that the stretch of their clothing across the chest and gut aren't as noticeable. I understand the need to not be the only one. To know that I'm not a total freak.

Dale, you're not a freak. You're just a guy who's wishing he weren't as big as he is. I know man. I understand. I've been there. I'm still there. Lots of people reading this post and visiting your blog have been there and will know and understand too. Unfortunately I don't know how wishing you were thin turns into acting to become thin. If I did man, I'd totally share the secret. Maybe you read a blog or a book and find some motivation. Maybe you or your loved one has a medical condition that forces you to act. Maybe you wake up and decide to just do it. Maybe you just run out of wishes.

But wishing failure on me won't making you thinner. It will only make you hateful and spiteful and mean. Like me. Like I used to be. And then we'd both be miserable again.

Anyway, whatever it is man, I hope you find it. I can tell you this though - my self esteem has been climbing and climbing these past few months. I'm seeing it manifest in small ways: the way I take care of myself - shaving everyday, caring about how I dress, managing my general appearance. And it shows in the way I interact with other people too - I'm not just a total dick anymore. Turns out I'm actually a man with value. I'm worth something, to other people and to myself. And that? That's a pretty awesome fucking feeling.

I'm rooting for you man.

10 comments:

Linda said...

You both are amazing for facing these challenges and posting that. There have been times I have secretly wished somebody would fail. Felt like a failure myself when my friend is succeeding and I'm not. I've never been that self aware to realize it in the moment, confront it, and say it out there in public.

I hope you both find the secrets to your own success!

Israel said...

holy shit man. this is one of the most amazing posts i have read from a weight blogger in a very long time.

so real, so...me. wow.

~TMcGee~ said...

Such honesty between friends is to be admired. This very thing is something that I fear could happen if I lose a good deal of weight and my dh does not (he's not trying at this point).

~TMcGee~ said...

I meant to add,"he not trying at this point but I think eventually he will". I didn't want to sound like a debbie downer about the hubby. :-)

Twice the Man said...

I hope this helps him, your frankness is admirable

Skye's the Limit said...

How touching! I really hope things work out for both of you. Sadly though, I know where each of you is coming from. Good luck!

Hanlie said...

Wonderful sentiments, Roder! Thank you. You've given me some incredible insight with this post.

Dale said...

Uh, So yeah I am that guy now. Thanks for the spotlight :) What I said was honest. I did used to wish you would fail out. Then I could fail out. Well thats not going to happen. So I do not wish you to fail anymore. Does that make sense? I know I am not a freak I am just a dood with a problem still searching for an answer. What I was doing was basing my success or failure on others. It just happened to be you because you are going through the same thing. Anyways I hope that did not hurt your feelings at all. The blog is just a corner of the world that people can freely express ideas and emmotions. Soon I am joining up F.A.T!

LTer4ever said...

I agree with Linda - being honest with yourself and others is a hard thing to do and not too many people own up. You are both very real and I appreciate that so much!

Ripx180 said...

I would have to say this is a interesting post that has been touched on by a few people in the past. I think with most things people are afraid of change. They think if you get skinny that you will be different and no longer you. I have already heard the "don't loose anymore weight you look skinny enough". When in my head I know I got another 25-30 pounds to go (and still be healthy). Does loosing weight really change who you are? No not really for the majority of stuff. I guess it might affect what you eat and what you do for fun etc but it doesn't change the core. I know allot of people say its not for cosmetic reasons but I will be the first to admit it would be nice to not be the "The Fat Guy", "The Chubby One", or "G-The Hut" when your with your friends. I would love to mentally give that title to someone else. I think thats were the fear comes in for other people, they don't want to take that title from someone else. In a sense you are making them look sloppy or at least thats how they perceive it. I think that is why people show so much interest in what you are doing if you have success. Anyway I am rambling. Good post and that is cool that you guys can be so honest with one another.

Where I've Been and Where I'm Going