Pants

So after my little XXL shirt experiment (fail, btw), I decided that I was a glutton for punishment and went digging into my closet for pants.

Two things about these closet pants - the first, they're called closet pants because that's where they live. Not out among the active pants that I might wear to some fashionable joint like... the mall. Or the grocery store. Or work. Nope, my closet pants don't fit, so much like the Isle of Misfit Toys, the closet is the current last stop for my non-fitting stuff. Lots of shirts in there too. And it kind smells like old in there. I don't really venture into the closet too much.

Second - I don't have too many pairs of closet pants left. Back in December or so of last year, I made a good, but bad choice. See, I had tons of pants that were just sitting around, collecting dust and old smell. And I have a buddy who, while a bit husky, isn't fat, but is broke. He burned through his one or two pairs of pants (I mean, *really* broke), so I gave him my pants. I thought to myself that screw it, I was now officially a fat guy, and that wasn't going to change. I didn't need size 36 or 38 pants (still fatty pants, btw). So I gave them all away.

And now things have changed.

Currently I'm wearing size 44 pants. While that's big, some dudes at my weight are in the fifties. Apparently my weight didn't cling to my hips, it went to my sweet gut instead. Whatever. So I went into the closet and lo and behold... three pair of jeans were up on the top shelf! I grabbed the first pair - a pair of 42s in a brand I'd never heard of. Did I even buy these? Seriously, I have no recollection of them. They looked fairly new, as in unworn. Hmm. So I tried them on. As I was drawing them up over my thigh, I was waiting for the worst but mildly surprised. Then I pulled them up over my butt. Still fine. I went to button them, and... erm... they did. They buttoned. Not like, omg these pants are so loose, but more in a, "hey, we're going to button for you, but you're still probably a couple weeks of hard work away from sitting comfortably in us" way. Neat! So then I grabbed the second pair, again a pair of 42s. They slid on more comfortably than the previous pair! I went to button them and - wait a minute... where's the? What? No button? Apparently I've done this experiment before. Weird. No recollection, but these jeans (decent-looking, and a brand I've heard of), would fit quite comfortably. If they had a button. Whatever.

The third pair were a set of 40s, but in an 'urban' brand, so they're probably a bit generous. I hoped. I pulled them on and immediately felt them constrict around my thighs. I pulled them over my butt, but they resisted. And once they were on, I went to button them. No dice. Like, a good two inches of no dice. Dammit.

But it's actually okay. Now I have those 40s sitting on a shelf by my bed, waiting for me. They want to be my buddy again. So once that happens... I guess that means that I can shop for jeans in a normal store. No more Casual Male XL for those. So damn close. And once a 2xl fits, I'll never have to step foot in that store again! I can't wait to never give them my business.

What the shit.

So wow. Last night, after admittedly not having the best weekend in terms of weight loss/eating, I stepped on the scale. 314? No. 315?Not quite. I could do this dumb game all post, but reading 10 of those things would get about as lame as typing them. Nope, I was at a less-than-svelte 324. What the shit? Saturday I road-tripped up to Duluth, MN. For breakfast I had two McGriddle sandwiches, a hashbrown, and a Diet Coke. For lunch, some crappy Chinese food from Shanghi Express (avoid if you're in the area). For dinner? Two Diet Cokes and a uh... full 12" pizza. Ohmygod! I don't know what happened! Well, I guess I do - that happened.

By this morning I'd somehow slept off 5 pounds and was back at 319, but c'mon man. Clearly I didn't injest 35,000 calories in one day (I swear!), so I'm guessing that the McGriddles, Chinese and pizza were all loaded with sodium and I'm retaining liquids something fierce. At least, that's my hope. Because seriously, anything more than a one or two pound gain? In one day? Give me a break.

Anyway, big shoulder workout today, and I'm feeling good. I need to do laundry tonight, I've run out of t-shirts.

Opening up a bit more

I think part of the fixing/rebuilding process is letting other people in. In one of my earlier posts from July I'd written that I was two weeks into my new deal, but that I wasn't telling anyone because I didn't want to drop the ball and look like an asshole. Lots of those feelings came from a place of fear - fear that I wouldn't last at the program. Fear that I wouldn't lose weight even if I tried. Fear that if I messed up I'd be rejected by my friends. And shame that admitting that I had a problem would show weakness. And worthlessness. But now I realize that it's okay. Because I'm okay. Hell, I'm better than that, I'm pretty goddamn sweet. So I'm sharing a bit more. Letting more people who know me personally know what I'm up to. It's good. It's healthy. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally healthy to open up a bit (though don't mistake my kindness and less-vicious personal attacks as weakness - just a sign that I'm a better person. lol). So yeah, I guess I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

I tend to write some of these entries from a place of personal introspection. Which means that sometimes if I'm feeling superficial I'll just post about what I did today (elliptical on lvl 6, hack squats, leg curls and the step up thing of doom bullshit, whatever they call it), and sometimes I'll reveal a bit more. Last time I kept a blog I did the same thing, only once I'd told too many people about it, I started getting people busting my chops a bit over some of the posts I'd made, or some of the feelings I'd had. So I kind of stopped posting. Then I just deleted that fucker. And I guess that right now it's probably a good thing, because I ended up getting kind of weird and dark and miserable on that thing, and it wouldn't be a good reflection of who I am right now. But sometimes I kind of want to go back and read it anyway. I can look in the mirror or step on the scale right now and see the physical changes I'm experiencing, but to read those old posts would be a fun (or disasterous?) way to see the emotional changes I'm experiencing.

I have no idea what I'm rambling about today.

And now I'm down to 314.5. No suprise that I didn't drop a full pound - yesterday I had a Red Robin hamburger for lunch. Well, half of one anyway. I saved the other half for dinner. But I had fries and a Mountain Dew (the blue Voltage kind - they're so damn good!), then two more at dinner along with some sort of candy/pastery thing that probably had enough preservatives to keep me looking gorgeous for days if it caused a heartattack and I keeled over. Anyway, what the hell was I rambling about? Right. Oh yeah. 314.5. So that's 4.6 pounds until I'm in the oughts, and that's pretty awesome. I believe I've still got a week and a half until my timeline expires for that goal, so I'm right on schedule. I do have a trip out of town tomorrow which could potentially throw a wrench into the plans, but I'll just do the best job I can do and keep my eyes (and mind) on the prize.

That just happened.

Today I weighed in at 315 on the button. That's officially 20 pounds that I'm now done with for good. Effing sweet.

If you want to lose weight and you're looking for a magic pill or diet that will get it done for you - quit searching. It doesn't exist. The only thing that works is you. Find your internal strength. Then find some dumbbells - nothing helps to lose weight more than lifting weight, except to watch what you eat. Put those two things together, you're going to have success. Portion control, controlled caloric intake, low sodium, low in big sugars.

At least that's what I've found so far.

My arms are burning after today's big arms day. And I kicked it up to lvl 6 on the elliptical today too - I caught up to Dan, my workout partner. I've got a good 100 pounds on him, but we both did lvl 6 and went 1.7 miles (my mile is down to 11:30 now), but my heartrate was in the 170s (with a brief jump to 180 as I pushed to get my mile under 12 minutes) and I burned more calories according to the machine. Yay fatties! So that just happened. I'm noticing a change in my stomach - it doesn't push out as far. I tried on a 2xl shirt yesterday, just because. And... no. Not yet. Looks like that metric will have to wait for another day.

Oh, I haven't mentioned this here, but I've got an Omron Body Fat Analyzer that I picked up a couple years ago. When I turned it on, it still had my old data saved - 29 years old, 311 pounds. Hey, now I'm only four pounds away from that! lol. Anyway, back on Aug 26 my measurements were 39.2% body fat and a bmi of 47.4. Yesterday my numbers were 36.8% body fat and a bmi of 45.4. So good news there!

I also saw a doctor earlier this week. My blood pressure is quite high apparently. He wants me to get tested a couple times a week, then see him again in a month to assess if I need to go on medication. He also wants to check for diabetes. So yeah. I may have done some terrible damage to myself. If you haven't been to a doc in a while, I'd recommend popping in for a physical. It's somewhat scary to hear that you're out of whack, but c'mon - two months ago I was somewhere around 335 pounds. Obviously I'm out of whack! So hopefully if I do have to go onto meds, I can get myself off them through exercise and diet. I'll know more next month I guess.

Looking ahead

Okay, today I'm 316.5 - I'm dangerously close to 20 pounds dropped since starting this thing just about two months ago. I'd love to be at 10 pounds lost per month. At that rate, I'll be at my goal weight in just over 1 year from now.

Or perhaps I could speed that up a bit. I don't know... 2 to 3 pounds a week will be 10-15 pounds a month. If I go 15, then I'm looking at being to total goal in roughly 8.5 months. And If I can lose 4 pounds a week (not unreasonable at my size), I'm looking at 7 months. I think. I'm bad at math. Point being, I should be good for a cheesy springtime rebirth metaphor sometime around April/May of next year.

I'm going to push hard, there's no point in dragging this out any longer than I have been. Or holding onto this weight any more.

To quote Ellis Boyd 'Red' Redding from The Shawshank Redemption, one of my favorite films, "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

An early plateau?

So apparently plateaus are common among the weight-loss community. Which is good I guess, because I've been at 319 for 5 straight days now. Oh sure, I've had quite a few beers over these last 5 days, and I had one or two bad meals, but I should be dropping weight still. And I'm not. And I'm not digging it.

Yesterday was a good shoulder day, today a good back day. I've been doing intervals on the elliptical machine the past two days, but I'm not really in love with them. I hear that they're better than the constant 'fat burning' speed to burn fat, but even at level 5 today, they weren't really killing me. At all. So tomorrow I might toss in some stationary bike to mix it up.

I hate that it's hard to get initially motivated to do the gym thing, and then once you break that barrier this plateau thing creeps up - and just when things were getting good too.

I'd like a love-life.

I'm single. I have been for awhile. It's been well over a year since I broke up with my last serious girlfriend, and I haven't done a very good job of replacing that missing piece in my life. I pretty much just ate unhealthy foods and smoked. Ugh. So one of the unspoken (or unwritten) goals I've had is to find someone to share myself with. The plan was to lose enough weight to feel good about myself again, then either put myself up on a dating site or ask friends if they know any single women or whatever. Not fully formulated, but I'm really not quite ready for that plan when I'm still 130+ pounds away from the big goal, which is to fix me.

I'm not really into New Age philosophy, but as I've gotten older I admit that I do believe certain things - I believe that you get back from the universe (or whatever spiritual power/mystic energy/other entity) what you put into it. For years I've put nothing but negativity and apathy out there, and that's what I've received, that's what I became. But in the couple months since really changing my outlook, I'm finding that good things are coming my way.

So randomly I was on Facebook and ended up chatting with an old friend from high school. Then the last two weekends I've had her up to visit. I haven't seen her in years, and I've been enjoying the reconnecting process. Turns out she's great. Smart, cute, fun, funny. And she likes to cook! We went grocery shopping and then she made me fajitas. How cool is that?

Unfortunately, she lives somewhat far from me. It's a 90 minute drive. Both she and I have had long-distance relationships in the past and neither want to do that again. In addition, she's flat-out told me that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now. And I really want to respect her wants and needs. But because of how I look, my self-esteem has me questioning if she really doesn't want a boyfriend or if she just doesn't want me as a boyfriend. I guess I'm not totally satisfied with either answer, but right now it's a waste of time to wonder, so I won't. I just wish that I could spend more time with her. I'm not in love, but I'm not afraid to fall in love, and I'd hate to miss an opportunity (especially when I feel like I'm getting a second chance at this missed opportunity from 15 years earlier). I've made the decision to choose unhappiness over happiness in the past by not following my heart and making a move across several states, and it's... it's a regret. And it's a mistake that I'd rather not make again, which means that if I have to give up a decent-paying gig and a (too?) comfortable way of life to make something work I would.

But like I said, she doesn't want a boyfriend. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing - going to the gym every morning, staying positive, putting out good energy and hoping for goodness in return. And in 100 pounds, I'll be asking my friends if they know any cute, single girls...

Another week done.

It's Saturday, but because of the holiday on Monday, everything slid a day back, so this morning I hit the gym to and worked my legs.

Different vibe today.

I didn't post the past couple days, so I should report that I hit a low of 317.1, but today I'm at 317.8. I think that's okay. :) After last week's big loss I was expecting a bit of a trail-off, and I was right. This week I'm down 4.6 pounds (or 5.3 if we use the 317.1). Still a great number.

I'm starting to notice small things. My shirts hang a bit lower as my stomach doesn't pooch out quite as far. Today when doing seated leg curls I could bring the bar that sits over my thighs down to a locked position (when I started my legs were too big and so I couldn't lock the bar - it just lazily sat over my legs and I lamented in silence).

Sometimes I think that I micromanage my weight/scale, but I think that for me it works. It's a daily reminder of where I am and where I'm going. When I have a bad day of eating (sausage and biscuits for lunch on Thursday Roder? Really? That's your choice?), then the next day the scale lets me know what's up. And it forces me to be ever vigilant going forward. So yeah... I'm a bit of a slave to the scale, but based on my progress so far, I'm fine with that.

Another Met Goal

319.5, which brings me out of the 320s and into the teens. That's another completed goal for me. Now I look ahead to getting out of the teens and into the... oughts? Sure. We'll go with it. I'm officially on the clock - three weeks or less to be at 309!

Not too bad

I'm up a pound this morning after the 3 day layoff, which isn't too bad. Obviously not as good as the surprise loss last Monday, but we'll take it and keep moving forward.

My wrist-wraps arrived this weekend, so today when doing shoulder shrugs I was able to focus on the weight and my form and not on the 95lb dumbbells falling out of my grip. Very cool. Last week I'd borrowed Dan's as the week prior to that I did one set without the wraps and the diamond grip-cuts in the handles of the dumbbells felt like they were digging into my hands, so I'd switched exercises.

Also, we rotated the shoulder presses out this week and rotated in upright rows. And now I'm reading that upright rows are a potential pitfall. Crap.

Anyway, I'm off to work. I'll be looking into more shoulder information today.