Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My winter coat, again.

I heard the soft pitter-patter of rainfall splashing the deck that is off my living room and smiled while I checked my email and schedule this morning. I love rain. I love the smell on the air and the fresh feeling that a cool breeze brings. I didn't really notice the sound go away as I was gearing up to take my shower and rinse the gym off my skin.

Gathering my four morning essentials (phone, wallet, keys, ID badge), I looked outside to the day beyond and saw snow. Thick, heavy snow falling in large wet clumps.


Instead of pulling on a hoodie before stepping out, I grabbed my heavy wool coat. I didn't mind. For the last two months I've been wearing a different coat from my nice black one. I'd been wearing the black one as long as I could as I felt I'd invested a fair amount in it and did like the Darth Vaderesque silhouette I cut as I strode through the cold nights, but it was just time. So I went back to the old one who's buttons I'd popped last year.

She's a double ex. She fits wonderfully again. I can't wait to retire her and wear a single ex.


Monday, March 30, 2009


Well, last week I was at work until 8 or 9 most nights. Then I was able to score my Saturday free, but was back at work Sunday. The project manager had made a deal with me: 10am - 2pm on Sunday. I rolled in at 8am, thinking that I'd get out of there by noon or so. Uh... no. I ended up being there until 10:30pm. Yikes! And today was another late one.

The good news is, tomorrow we have to push what we have to the live server, and then we're done. Until our next release at the end of April. But at least the manic mayhem will be done with for a spell.

The bad news is, they've been catering our lunches/dinners while we're pounding out code. Pizza, Chinese food, soda, chocolates, chips... not good. So I'm trying to be good, but I find that I'm doing something that I just don't do - constant grazing/snacking. To be fair, I'm just eating string cheese and apples (mostly), but it's this constant noshing that is throwing me off.

This weekend I'm headed out of town to Chicago with some friends of mine for a weekend of drinking, eating and nerdness. Should be fun. Dangerous for me, but fun.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Good Week

You just never know.

By Wednesday of this week I'd gone up to 263.7, which was so frustrating as I'd finally felt totally back, mind and body. I hadn't done anything too outrageous to earn the bump in weight (other than that salad - but c'mon... it's a salad), so I found myself frustrated and out-of-sorts with myself. However, as usually sticking to the plan is what works. And the plan is... eat right and exercise. So I did.

Today I'm pleased to say that I had a *fantastic* workout on the squat rack and hip sled, and I've hit a new low again. In addition, I feel more in control at work. Not necessarily of the situation as a whole, as I'm only one cog in a much larger machine there, but my understanding of the system (and by that I'm referring to the people, their processes, and how things are routed/communicated/worked on) is greater and because of that I'm better able to do my job. Don't get me wrong - we're still *waaaay* behind in trying for a March 31st release (nuts I say), so the stress level is super-high and rising, but I'll get through it.

So that's it - I exercised everyday, I ate well everyday, I blogged everyday. This has been a good week. :)


Thursday, March 26, 2009

Dan's Khakis

This morning's workout was good. My biceps were burning hot after the standing curls and hammer curls today. Dan gave me a pair of Gap khakis - he said that they're a 35" waist, but they fit like a 36". We'll see...

Sometimes I get this feeling, like I have right now, where I don't even want to try them on. Fear of failure? Performance anxiety? I guess so.

Hang on.

lol - I just stopped writing to go try them on.

They don't fit.

Now? I actually feel better. Even though they didn't fit, I'm in control of that situation, not the pair of khakis. Sometimes? You just have to try and fail, as there's more honor in that than in not trying at all.

Guess I'll go lose 10 more pounds and try again.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Not the best day ever, I guess

Yesterday I'd stepped on the scale and saw that there was no change from Monday. This was a bit of a letdown, as I'd really had a great shoulder workout in addition to my cardio the day before. So I decided that perhaps I needed to change my lunch. I went to the grocery store where I always buy my pre-made salads, only this time I went to the salad bar.

Turns out that may have been a huge mistake.

I filled up my salad box with tons of lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, chicken, eggs, carrots... When I brought it up to the counter, it came to $8 - they charge $6 per pound. Uh oh...

I ate the whole thing, and felt swollen and awful afterward. It was like I'd eaten too much fast food, except for the whole finale with the toilet. Gross. This morning I climbed on the scale and was *up* 1.2 pounds! Seriously... that's after two great days of workouts which followed essentially two weeks of nothing. It came as a surprise, as last night I was doing laundry, and tossed on a pair of jeans my friend Dan had given me as he'd shrunk out of them. Here I was, thinking that I'd lost more weight, when the exact opposite was true! I can't express how foolish I felt when the number came up on the digital readout. And from a salad. And maybe a handful of mini-chocolate bars at work. Oops. Hate that.

But I was right back there this morning, lifting and pressing and jogging, and I'd even kicked the elliptical up another level. I'd been ready to recommit myself totally and then had the bronchitis throw a wrench into my plans, but I do feel like mentally I'm all the way back. And speaking of back... holy crap is mine sore right now. I had my ass kicked yesterday by those deadlifts and rows, and the body is letting me know it.

I also made it a point to count my calories for the day, and I'm glad to say I'm just a shade under 2k. And since I don't snack at night and have already had my dinner (I knew I'd be at work late, so I just left at 5 and scored something healthy), that's where I'll be for the day.

I hope tomorrow brings more success. It's hard to not get too emotionally wrapped up in the news that the scale brings, but when you write a weight loss blog daily, read several others at various points throughout the day, and always think about the goals and the reasons why I'm doing this when I get up and go back to bed in the evening, I end up feeling like a failure who's wasting time, effort and energy when I'm not seeing the results that I need.

But I do know this - consistency will get me where I need to be. So I must Must MUST be consistent and not give in when the little voice inside my head says, "what's the use? why bother? 70+ pounds is enough for now..."

Fuck that voice. Fuck that scale. Fuck these pounds. Fuck this fat.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Today has been a long day. It's now pouring rain outside. However - had a fantastic workout this morning! Man was I energized by it! I'm looking forward to tomorrow's too.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Back in the Habit

Well, the bronchitis is pretty much history. I'm still taking the meds they gave me - traditionally I'm one of those people who stops with the medicine once I'm feeling better, which inevitably leads to a relapse, blah blah blah. I decided that as I've lost the better part of the last two weeks and pretty much flushed away March in a coughing fit, it's time to be smart and not lose any more.

Speaking of flushing away another month... seriously. Now granted, I was sick, but still. It's one of those things where I'm stacking bad onto worse. Feb sucked for losing with a whopping six pounds, and now March is shaping up to be a total shit month too.

My one saving grace in all this is that I didn't gain. I'm not faced with the discouraging, disappointing and dehabilitating reality that I have to re-lose weight I'd previously dropped. Nope - I kept those wolves at bay by not losing too much focus on the diet.

I hit the gym this morning and did eliptical for 20, then shoulder presses and shoulder shrugs. My cardio, while never great, wasn't too far off. I did 20 minutes at lvl 12, whcih is where I was prior to the sickness. I didn't check my total miles (I should be getting 2.0), so I don't know exactly how hard I was running, but I think I aquitted myself fairly well there. Then when lifting weights I found that I lost muscle endurance. My strength is still good - the first sets of 15 reps for both exercises were there. But the last reps of the last sets... oof. I was out of juice. All in all, not so terrible.


ps - I was glad to be back at the gym today. I've missed it terribly, but didn't really realize it until today. That gym apathy can sneak up on you! Be vigilant and don't surrender!

Sunday, March 15, 2009


I went to the gym on Thursday, then Friday I wasn't feeling good again. Saturday I went out of town, and by Sunday I was at the weekend clinic, as I had awoken with a feeling of total worn-down-ness... Two and a half hours of waiting later... bronchitis.


That and strep throat are my two go-to sicknesses, and have been my whole adolescent and adult life. Unreal how many times I get them.

So I'm on medication and hope to have this knocked out of my system soon.

That's the update from here.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


The alarm went off and I hit snooze then rolled over. Again it blared its incessant call for me to rise and I again insisted it snooze. For a third time it called to me, demanding that I attend to business. Fine, I thought. I'm running late, and I could still play the sick card, but whatever - I'll go.

The temperature was a not-so-mild -5°. I've got to move the hell out of this state. Don't get me wrong - I'm a hearty guy and love winter as much as the next Minnesotan, but seriously... while cute as Christmas approaches, winter has stretched on far too long and I'm so totally over it. Let's let spring show up, yeah? Yesterday on my way to work I found my car windows had frozen up - tough to go through the drive-through and get my morning green tea/muffin when I can't roll down the window. Oh, quick aside -- while we have Starbucks here, we also have Caribou Coffee. It's MN's version of Starbucks - perhaps you have it where you live. In any event, the one on my way to work has two types of green tea - Dragonwell and Sweet Jasmine. I get the Dragonwell. It's a heavier flavor. Very good. Well yesterday they were out, so I grabbed the Jasmine. Wow. It was like I was drinking a patch of flowers. Seriously? This is what we're going with - flowers? No thank you. If ever they're out of Dragonwell again, I'm switching to Earl Grey or something.


I got there. Late. Dan was already on the elliptical. That's not my favorite, but I understand why - he didn't think I was going to show. Ugh. I only did 5 minutes of elliptical, and not very hard. I could feel it in my chest. No thank you. We then went and did arm day. I made it through every rep of every set, but walked out of there thinking that I half-assed it. I'm going to file today's effort under Fake It 'Til You Make It, and assume that once this sick has really and truly passed, I'll be okay. Until then, I'm still going to go however.

btw, the good news? I stepped on the scale this morning. Now, I feel bloated and I think that my face looks puffier than standard, but I've gained nothing. Lost nothing either, but I didn't really expect to. I guess I'm happy with the no-gain thing. And surprised.

Keep on keepin' on peeps.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


The past three nights I've had 10+ hours of sleep. It's like I'm back in college or something. Today I'm feeling fairly well again. Not well enough that I went to the gym this morning, but I'm a lock for tomorrow.

Man I hate being sick. So miserable.

I've noticed a couple bloggers who had disappeared making their triumphant return to the world of weight loss - welcome back! And to those just starting out - welcome.

Talk to you all again soon.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Hey all.

This weekend I got hit with something. Hard.

I've been coughing something fierce as it has taken residence in my respiratory system, to the point where I'm blowing blood vessels in my face and last night ran to the bathroom in a fit, fearful that I was going to eat my dinner in reverse.

Needless to say, I've passed on the gym the past two days. I would have loved to have passed on work too, but my boss and I had managed the workflow to the point where I didn't have to go in this past weekend (yay), but that necessitates my appearance at the office to keep the flow flowing.

I haven't stepped on the scale since Friday. I'll assume that I'm up. Unless the sickness and subsequent immune system's need for energy has burned up some calories and I'm down. Or maybe I'm just holding steady. Don't know. Right now, I don't much care. I just want to feel better. Desperately.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Another Junky Post

Hey - it's Friday, and rumor has it I *might* not have to work this weekend as I've been busting through my stuff and the developers behind me haven't caught up. So... yay? I think?

I any event, this big week of nuttiness is coming to a close, and not a moment too soon. I've got a big stress knot that settled in my upper back sometime Tuesday afternoon, and hasn't really wanted to go away. Eh, no biggie, I'll deal with it for another day or two.


Wednesday, March 04, 2009


Running to work, but I just wanted to toss this up - I'm moving down again, to a new low.


Tuesday, March 03, 2009


I'm a big time believer in finding balance in my life. I don't overdo work and bring it home. I don't have personal issues that I bring into work. I don't let stress derail my fun, and I don't let my fun get in the way of my efforts. I do what I'm doing when I'm doing it, but when that time is over, I let go.

The month of February I've been out of balance.

:ast week I lost a grand total of bupkis. Truth is, I haven't lost since the first or second week of February. Checking back, I've been at 265 since Feb 10! What a total waste of a month. Kind of depressing actually. The first question I'm asking myself is, "why?" Why didn't I lose more? And why, when I was in the midst of my 265ness, did I not notice more? Push harder? What's going on here? Over the course of the month I went from 270 on Jan 31 to 265 on Feb 28. Makes me feel a little foolish.

Sometimes I remind myself to find the positive in the situation, but right now I don't want to look for that. Finding positives in a wasted month won't get me closer to my goal. Exercising, eating, blogging, talking to others, drinking my water, getting enough rest... Those are my main keys to success.

The reality is, it's the stress of the workplace that's throwing me off. The big effort should wrap up for me come Friday (though the plan is for it to bleed into the weekend too... blech!) but it's currently hurting me. I'm not getting as restful sleep - I toss and turn a bit more. I'm waking up tired. I'm also staying later than I'd care to, and that's throwing off my eating schedule. As I result, I sometimes find myself overeating to compensate as my whole body is demanding food. I've started holding back from eating my lunchtime apple until 3 to help with that, but even then I'm blowing it. I'm getting a pastry every day it seems, and not just my morning muffin. I've missed the gym more in the month of Feb then I did the entire 6 months before that.

I'm out of balance.

Even though I can't do anything out the required work effort this week, I'm going to focus myself on getting back into balance. If not physically, at least mentally. I've recognized the failure of February, and I'm determined not to allow it to repeat in March.


Monday, March 02, 2009


Death Week at work is upon me. Rumor has it I'll be there late every night, and I'll be working come this weekend. Not looking forward to it!

This morning I hit the gym, which is good because yesterday I overdid dinner. I had Chinese food and just kind of... kept going. Until the whole tray was gone. I felt *terrible* afterward. Just wanted to vomit. So... let's not do that again, yeah? Yeah.

Where I've Been and Where I'm Going