A couple weekends ago I stayed over at my gal's sister's house. In the morning I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I took off my sleeping shirt and turned on the light and... ugh. Apparently the lights in my bathroom are of the softer, slightly yellow variety. Hers? Harsh, bright white.
I wanted to cry.
I literally stopped in my tracks, as though I was a cartoon character. I did a double-take. "What?" I thought. "What's wrong with my stomach?"
The stomach's front had all these... lines. Folds. Not deep, and not long, but lots of them. I thought back to one of my favorite blogger's posts - my stomach's lost fat, but the skin hasn't disappeared along with it. While it was once distended, it was also firm fat - stretching and pushing against the confines of my body, insisting on growing the available real estate. Fat as I was, the stomach was at least taut still. No longer is that true.
I feel like I've currently got the worst of both worlds. I'm still wildly overweight. 255 is pretty goddamn big, regardless of how much I've changed my lean muscle poundage, or how much fat I've lost. At the same time, my body looks more disgusting to me than ever before. My belly is soft. It now jiggles as it's not locked into place by my straining skin. My arms have more definition then they've had since I was a sophomore in college, but between the shoulder cap and the biceps, there's a nice big flap of sagging skin. I don't even like flexing my new muscles, because I just see this area that I know isn't going away anytime soon.
The insides of my thighs tell the same story. They sag. You can literally see the sag lines as gravity pulls the loose skin downward, notching elongated U shapes in my skin.
Mentally I almost feel like I need to stop losing weight for awhile. That I need to give my skin an opportunity to catch up. Because it's probably at this point that if I continue to drop weight, the skin issue will only be exacerbated. At the same time, I realize that losing weight is still the single most-important activity in my life at this point.
I was reading a post from Tony the other night. I hope that my skin tightens like he says.
I hate the way I look.