Thursday, April 16, 2009


Today I had a fresh, new experience at the gym.

Dan and I were banging out some tricep pushdowns when this dude came over.

"You been lifting awhile, yeah?" asked this guy to Dan. Now, he looked to be about 280ish - big, extended belly on this guy. Arms and legs showing no definition as they poked through a sleeveless t-shirt and a pair of shorts. btw - I want to wear a sleeveless t one day, but let's be honest - you gotta *earn* that shit. This dude hadn't. Anyway, based upon the question asked, I was thinking that he had some workout questions or something. Nope. After Dan said yes, the guy's follow-up was, "You know much about growth hormone?"

"Like... steroids?" asked Dan.

"No man - growth hormone! It's great; you can add 10 pounds in a week!" as the guy got excited, I noticed the spittle that shot out the hole in his smile where most of the population has a front tooth.

"Oh. I uh... I'm actually looking to lose ten pounds," said Dan.

"It can do that too! Real quick!" At this point I've completely disengaged with the guy. Big fat bastard trying to push steroids on a couple early risers? Give me a break.

"Anyway, you take the stuff, then you listen to these sounds. Binaural beats. They make all kinds of 'em. (note - I looked it up this morning, just because.) They gots all different kinds of beats - stuff for sex, getting smarter, losing weight, getting big - whatever you need man. Growth stuff, steroid stuff. And it's free for 15 days! Doesn't that sound great? Check it out man!" He continues with some URL, though I'm a bit shocked that this guy even owns a computer.

Dan starts to disengage with him and comes back over to the weight rack and does his reps. The whole time I'm just clocking this guy, watching his every move. He moves through a couple weight stations, then stands in front of a mirror and stares into his own eyes - hard. Intense, like old video of Mike Tyson staring down an opponent, or me in the bathroom after eating a rogue cheeseburger.

I'm giggling at this point.

He does his "circuit" a couple more times, finishing with the big staredown again. Only this time he crosses his arms over his chest and throws up the metal horns. (Ronnie James Dio is so mad right now!) Then he raises his arms high, horns still out. I'm dying with laughter.

He retreats to the locker room and I finish up my workout. When I'm walking to the small lockers for keys and wallets, I see one of the regulars coming out of the locker room - he's big and muscular. His face has a bemused look on it. Three steps behind him, it's the Steroid Guy. Another botched sale, I'm thinking.

I enter my combo and grab my stuff from the mini-locker, and Guy makes his move -- "Hey man, binarul beats! You hear me tell your friend about how I can get you thin and ripp--"

"Dude," I respond. And I realize that I probably should stop using that word 15 years ago, "If taking that stuff gets me ripped and thin like you? I think you should count me out."


jessi said...

Seriously the mirror thing would have put me over the edge. I probably would have had to be escorted out.

mcc394 said...

Oh man, you are killin me. thanks for the great laugh...

Andrea said...

Ok, let me say that if that happened to me, I don't know what I would have done, other then laugh my butt off! LOL
This is a dumb question, but what in the heck are some people SO dumb?! LOL
Thanks for the laugh!

jo said...

ewwww...I'll stick to Richard Simmons in the privacy of my own home. lol

I'm not a morning person, so he wouldn't have made me laugh!

Rebecca said...

Hilarious. I hate when idiots talk to me at the gym but it has never been anything like this!

BVar said...

That is so funny, I would not be able to keep a straight face.

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