Monday, June 29, 2009

A Reminder

Sometimes I think I'm in denial regarding how fat I really am. Like, losing 80 pounds has given me some sort of fat-pass, and that I now get to wear a label other than that. Then I'm reminded on how wrong I am.

Yesterday after church and breakfast, I was changing to get ready to go to a parade and a waterski show. As I walked into the family room, my girlfriend's son came up to me. "You're fat," he said.

"I know," I replied quickly, feeling the heat of embarassment as my face lit up bright red.

"WHAAAAT?!?" his aunt called from the other room.

"He's fat," came the reply.


I walked upstairs and sat on the couch. Moments later, my girlfriend came over, kneeled low next to me and said, "I think you should grab a sturdier lawn chair. I don't think these collapsible fabric ones will hold you."

"Okay," I said, the warmth on my face returning.

I guess I'd been feeling so good this past month that I forgot, but yesterday served as a reminder that despite the efforts of the past year, I'm not thin. I'm not trim. I'm not good-looking. I'm not chubby. I'm not husky. I'm not overweight. I am fat. And despite how I may see myself, this is how the world sees me.

I won't forget again.


Tigerlilly said...

This post made me sad. You have accomplished so much, to still think in such a negative way is terrible.

I hope you have a wonderful day today.....

Ripx180 said...

Man I feel you on this one... One of my main eye openers that helped me turn things around was on a inlaw visit a few summers back. I was sitting in one of "those" chairs and went to push of and broke the metal clean in half. I guess they say 200lbs for a reason. I was sooooo embarrassed inside. I have also received the unfiltered words from children a few times too. I hope you can use this to light your fire and not let it bring you down.

Roder said...

@Tigerlilly - I don't mean to denigrate myself, but for a brief moment there I thought I had accomplished something. The reality is, I haven't accomplished *anything*. I can appreciate the fact that I've started something here, but, regardless of how I wish I were perceived, I'm still seen as fat. And that's because I'm still fat. So it is this fact that I must remember.

I do feel that I took a great mental step backward yesterday. That saddens me, but is important because I clearly didn't deserve to take the step forward that I did.

Kathleen said...

I've had the same experience. When I had lost 50 pounds, I felt really great -- but I was still fat to other people. Even my doctor was less than encouraging. Now, though, a year later, I get none of that at all anymore -- and my doctor just raved at my last visit.

jo said...

This brought tears to my eyes.

I haven't lost near what you've lost, but a quick photo reminded me I'm still morbidly obese.

You have to take credit for what you have done. You have accomplished something. You're just having a little pity party...which I totally get.

It's discouraging, I know, because I look in the mirror or at a photo and I feel like I've done so much more than I have done.

Time--we'll both get there.

South Beach Steve said...

Roder, sometimes the people we are around are just as stuck on the perception of being fat as we are. You have made a lot of progress. While you still have some to go, you are much closer than you used to be. Don't let this get you down. You are doing the right things, and you are going the right direction. It won't be long until people say, "remember when . . ."

Dee said...

This post brought tears to my eyes as well. I'm so sorry your feelings we're hurt like that. ((HUGS))


antgirl said...

Owww! Reality or not, I hate to hear ya sounding so glum. And I felt the sting with you.

You have accomplished something. 80 pounds is not nothing. Think of all the great things you are doing for yourself on the inside - the years and the quality of life you are gaining.

Be proud. You earned it.

So, you're not done. You're still a deserving and worthy person.

Beautiful hearts = beautiful people. Ignore the ones who can't see it.

It took me a couple of years to lose enough to not be seen as *fat* any more. Keep going. You'll get there.

mythreemonthokinawadiet said...

It sucks, I get it every day over here in Japan. Right to my face and behind my back (thinking I can't understand Japanese well enough) But, I was not singled out particularly, society is pretty much a matter of fact. Fat people should not sit on weak chairs kind of thing.

I learned it was me who had thin skin. There was no maliciousness, evilness etc just pointing out the obvious. Living in the west I ask immigrants to live by our cultural standards. Living in the East I accept (most) of their standards.

I suspect one reason there is less obesity in Japan is because people don't tip toe around it. For better or worse.

Good luck to you. You will succeed.

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