MIA, but not DOA

Hey all - this past Sunday I awoke with a sniffle and a cough - a harbinger of things to come.

Thankfully today I'm feeling much better, but being laid up at home with no laptop (my hard drive went kaput on me and I had to send her off to the repair shop) I've been going a bit batty. No exercise to speak of, and frankly I won't until tomorrow at the earliest. I have a history of trying to get back into the normal groove post-sickness, and it never works out. Always a relapse afterward. So this time I'm just going to chill out and not stress.

Dan the Workout Partner has been off too - apparently the changing of the seasons here in MN (it's been in the 50s, down 20 degrees over the weekend!) affects both him and me. At any rate, my bedroom has never been cleaner, and I caught up a bit on my Netflix queue.

Be well!

Thursday

Oh man... my body is so sore this morning.

Last night I went to taekwondo and had several sparring rounds with some guys. What a totally different level of fitness that is! Yesterday morning I'd done 13+ miles on the stationary bike doing intervals over the course of 45 minutes, yet these little 3 minute rounds were just kicking my ass.

When the alarm went off this morning, there was just no way. Just no way! My tank was totally empty. I'll have to keep going to this new tkd class and get my fitness level up so I don't end up missing the morning workouts the next day.

251.2

Lonely

This past Saturday I snapped at The Gal™. We'd planned on going to an apple orchard to pick apples the weekend prior, but The Gal™'s sister was dialated 1cm and... I have no idea. I realize as I'm typing this that I've got no clue what exactly was going on, except to say that her vagina was doing stuff I'll never know about (and never want to), and she was close to giving birth. As The Gal™ was asked to watch her niece when the sister went to the hospital, there was quite a bit of excitement surrounding the possibilities. As such, we postponed the orchard trip a week.

Saturday morning came - well, actually Saturday afternoon. As I don't get enough sleep on weekdays, I allow myself to sleep in as late as my body demands come Saturday morning. Turns out the verdict for this past Saturday? Noon. And I only awoke then because my bladder was on the verge of emptying itself onto my mattress - thank God I'm both past and not yet back to that point in my life. Anyway, The Gal™ came over soon after I awoke and after a bit of chatting and whatnot, asked if it was okay that we not go to the apple orchard that day, but wait until Sunday. See, she really wanted to see her friend Doc, and Doc was planning to go the next day.

"Sure," I said, though I bristled.

At this point I'm a bit frustrated with the change in plans again, and I have an unfortunate way of dealing with it - I don't. I just tend to internalize my feelings, which acts as a repulsing magnet to those around me. Finally, after an hour had gone by and the two of us were in the car running errands, I popped.

I told her that I was frustrated that we weren't going to the orchard. That we were going with Doc the next day. That we hadn't gone the week before, and that the week before that, when we'd had plans to do a different event, one of The Gal™'s other sisters had been added to the guest list a bit late. That I didn't feel like I was getting enough time with her. That she and I didn't actually do much together, but rather when "events" came up, they were always shared with others.

I regret getting upset with her. I don't typically get mad in that fashion - it's just not really me. In the last two days, I've spent much of my head-time thinking about why I did that. Why would having another friend get me upset? Was it really that big of a deal?

The answer, I've come to discover, is that I'm beginning to feel the loneliness of this move, and the daily isolation it is causing me to live inside.

Early on, moving 85 miles away wasn't a big deal - there were daily discoveries, and life was full of excitement. I'd come home from work, and The Gal™ would be there, perhaps cooking a dinner, perhaps quick with a cocktail and an episode of Lost, perhaps feeling a bit frisky. Super-awesome, and the life that I was looking for. Yet, as time as gone on, I'm starting to notice the connections that I've severed. I don't see my friends much at all - I haven't seen one in... two months? Maybe? A month-and-a-half for sure. Can't really remember when Krazy drove over to visit. The calls dried up after a couple weeks. Then the texts. Then the emails. Now with the exception of Dan the Workout Partner™, I have no contact with people that I'd see several times a week.

Two months ago I decided to join taekwondo. I joined for several reasons: more activity would help spur on more weight loss, in the past I'd worked myself to one belt level below the black belt and as such have always had that task in mind as a goal to accomplish and it felt like the right time, and third (and the main one too), is that I wanted to meet people in this new town. People who I shared common interests with. People with whom I could converse on topics that were important and personal to me.

Unfortunately, that hasn't yet happened. I've found that the taekwondo school is populated mostly with kids, a few high-school students, and one or two moms - at least the classes I'm attending. There is nobody who fits my demographic, and really, why would there be? Who starts up a martial art at 33, you know? There's one instructor who's close in age to me, though here's a little-known fact: the belt hierarchy in traditional martial arts schools shows not only who is the more experienced/accomplished/learned student, but also who may speak with whom. Not a whole lot of interaction between high and low belts. So my experiement/hope has become a bit of a bust, in terms of my primary goal. I fully intend on sticking with it, but I'm looking at it more in terms of fitness and finishing what I'd (started and quit) years ago, and not as a place of social gathering. To that end, I'm looking at switching which classes I attend - the Wednesday evening and Saturday morning classes are more geared to sparring, which is where the real workout is, and where the weightloss will occur. Of course, I sleep in Saturday morning, so...

I'm rambling a bit. Oh well - this is much more a "dear diary" entry than a weight-loss one, so I think I can be forgiven a bit of a conscious-stream here.

Point being, I'm feeling lonely here. And I think I've started to worry too much about The Gal™ and where we're going. I think I'm afraid that I could lose her. As such, I'm holding on tight. Too tight.

I realize now that my snapping at her Saturday was the product of my own loneliness. That in an unfortunate way, I've become jealous that she has friends who contact her and seem eager to spend time with her. That she has a large family in town, with sisters in her demographic who love her and want to see her all the time. I feel like I don't have that - that all I have is her - and it makes me reticent to share. And that in turn puts an inordinate amount of pressure on me, her and our relationship. And for no good reason.

I'm writing this not to seek an immediate solution. That's not necessary. I'm writing it just to help me understand myself and my actions as of late. Often times I retreat into myself to puzzle out my feelings to situations. Sometimes I force myself to at least say something, like I did when I finally blurted out what I said to The Gal™ on Saturday. However, what I said then was totally half-baked. I'm not mad that Doc came with us. I'm sad that I don't have a Doc of my own to tag along with The Gal™ and me. I'm sad that I'm feeling lonely. I know that much like my home sickness when I went off to college, I'll get through this and be able to move on (and hopefully soon). Hopefully by discovering this and acknowledging it, I'll be able to better keep myself in check.

Tuesday

Today I stepped on the scale - 252.3. That's five pounds higher than my lowest, but 8 pounds down from my most recent high. Man, that whole let's-start-smoking-again-and-then-quit-and-fuck-some-shit-up-in-the-process thing was totally a bad call.

In terms of struggling, I finally feel like I'm not once again. It's been a month since I've really felt like this. I'm back to drinking green tea in the morning and not indulging on the froo-froo coffees. I've stopped with a cookie-break down in the cafeteria. I'm eating only salads and fruit during lunch, and I'm drinking much more water during the day. I finally feel like I'm choosing based on my logical wants, not on some weird emotional pull.

I'm this odd ball of interaction at times. I can get quite high, playful to the point of annoyance. Then I can come waaaay down, not wanting to interact with anyone and turn all my thoughts internal. I try to modulate myself, staying somewhere between positive but not annoying and stoic but not silent. Sometimes I hit it, other times I miss. Right now though, I'm feeling good. :)

252.3

Weekend

For this weekend, I didn't go over board with the eating. Oh sure, The Gal™ and I did have a few beers and some pizza during the football game yesterday, and Friday we'd gone out for some Italian, but I don't feel like at any point I *overate*, which is important.

Yesterday The Gal™ and I hit an apple orchard to pick apples. Never having gone, I didn't know what exactly to expect. Seems pretty straightforward - farmer drives you out to where the apples grow, you pick 'em, the end. But man... what a glorious day it was! Beautiful out. I loved walking around, enjoying the fresh country air.

Afterward she and I went to the Big Box Store to look over some new computers. My laptop shit the bed Saturday night and that was pretty much that. It's been overheating for awhile now, but it's still a pain in the ass. So... no computer from home for awhile I guess.

After that we went to her parents' place. They were knocking out some yardwork in the back, so we pitched in. I ended up pruning a couple trees - clipping and sawing branches. After... hmm. I have no idea how long I was doing it. Forty minutes? 60? 90? No clue. Bottom line, I worked up a *huge* sweat. Ended up having to take a shower. After that, I was given some of her father's clothes. He's a super-sweet man, but he's also sizable. Kind of sucks to think that I can wear his stuff with little problem. Then I saw that there was a pic of me and The Gal™ sent to me this morning from a friend of ours who'd joined us at the orchard. Damn. This kid still has *lots* of work to do.

255.0

Friday

My shirt was soaked when I stepped off the elliptical, forty-five minutes and four and a half miles later. Seriously, I think that my gym bag will have a puddle in it by the time I get home tonight. Laundry has been added to my To Do list.

Didn't weigh in this morning - just forgot to. Maybe I'm no longer the whore I once was? Or maybe after yesterday's gain fluctuation, I wasn't in the mood for the scale's lies and half-truths. Bottom line, I've gone to the gym 5 out of 5 days this week, and I've gone to fight club twice (I didn't go last night as I got home a bit late and wasn't in the mood). I'm doing well, and I know that soon enough the scale will represent this.

Happy weekend!

Shoes!

I'd been wearing the same pair of shoes to the gym for over a year. They were a decent pair of Nike running shoes and I quite liked them, but I found that they were starting to wear out.

The Shox in the heels had become compressed. The rubber sole was peeling off the toe on one of them. The black fabric had been stained a patchy white with the salt from last winter and the sweat off my feet. And then there was the smell. Oh God, the smell. A dead body wrapped in burnt bacon is a close match (I think - I've never actually wrapped one of my victims in bacon. Yet. Kidding! Mostly.) So I went online and did a bit of shopping, looking for the replacements.

I've got a few requirements for workout shoes. First, I prefer running shoes. I'll go with trainers if I must, and trainers tend to be a more stable, stiff shoe, but I really enjoy the light weight of running shoes. When you're already overweight, there's no reason to spend money to put heavy bricks over the toes, you know? Plus, the profile of running shoes tends to be sleek, which helps when my body silhouette is a bit, uh... not sleek.

Second, and a corellary to the previous requirement, I prefer the shoes to be made mostly of fabric/cloth, not leather (or a fake pleathery poly-something). Getting fabric on the uppers means that the shoes will get dirty quickly and won't wipe clean the way leather does, but they're light and -- and this is important with me -- they let the feet breathe, so when they're all nestled up in the shoe they don't sweat so much. Because kiddies? I sweat.

Next requirement - cushioning. Look, I've heard that wearing shoes can screw up your body's natural gait by over-cushioning, changing the way you walk. I've also heard that having a flat-soled shoe when lifting weights (especially for things like squats, deadlifts and the hipsled, where there's a lot of pressure in the heel) is superior to not. HOWEVER! I don't much care. I'm heavy. My lower back will get sore and tired when I don't have proper cushioning in my feet. I don't really care what technology the shoe uses to cushion me: air, gel, compression foam, rubber, etc., provided that I'm receiving the cushioning I need.

Finally, I'd like the shoe to be available in widths - my feet are wide. I wear an E-width shoe, which is thicker than the standard D-width of most mens shoes. Again, having a shoe with a wider footbed allows the foot to breath rather than appear to be a sausage in some casing, you know? I wear a 10.5, though I tend to buy an 11 as I can't find shoes that fit both my length and girth. Condoms either. ;)

Well, I found a pair that I thought looked pretty decent, if not slightly over the top, style-wise. They're the Nike Experience. A pair runs $140, which these days is just too pricey to justify. I kept my eye on them though, and sure enough they're now on discount. In fact, once I saw that they were discounted to $90, I decided to go see if they were at the local mall. Turns out they were! AND, they were only $80 there!

Unfortunately, the salesman said that they didn't come in widths other than standard D. Strike one. Also, they were out of size 11 - strike 2! However, they did have a pair of 10.5s in the back if I'd like to try. I hemmed and hawed a bit, looking at other models, then said sure.

WOW! Honest to God, they were the best shoe I'd ever tried on! The top is a stretchy fabric, so my big fat pig feet can push against the sides without blowing out the stitching (yep, it's happened). The cushioning is a combo-platter of the compressed foam Shox with air in the shock column. They were so light! So comfortable!!

Honestly, I can't keep my feet out of them. They're my gym shoes, but I find myself wearing them around the house, and when I'm out on the weekend. I'm sort of kind of thinking about buying a second pair, just because they're so awesome. Oh, and apparently there's some sort of + technology that ties into your iPod/iPhone to record your workouts or time it to music or some such. I have no interest in that (though when I'm on the eliptical I do have my iPhone playing music - eh, don't want to figure it out!), so there's even more reason that these things are sweet.

What kind of shoes do you prefer when working out?

255.3

Yikes

Last night I had some issues getting to sleep. I finally went down somewhere close to midnight, scoring less than five hours for the third night in a row.

I'm pooped.

At the gym this morning, the effects of little sleep showed up - I actually bailed from the elliptical 30 minutes into my planned 45 minute exercise. I just didn't have the energy. I'm already looking forward to tonight's bedtime. I'm *so* tired, and I feel like I've got nothing left in the tank. The problem is, it's only Wednesday. :(

253.4

The Secret

I've been derelict in updating my blog, so I'd like to acknowledge that fact before posting - blogging (much like just keeping a journal) is decent therapy for me and I've been neglecting that.

I read the book The Secret awhile back. It's basic premise (the Secret, if you will), is that whatever we think about will expand from thought into action. If you want to reduce your debt and save, start by thinking about it all the time. Not thinking about the consequenses, but rather just how you're going to save and reduce debt. Pretty soon you'll find that the thoughts affect your actions - you'll be standing at Target and will see a copy of Guitar Hero World Tour PLUS two wireless guitar controllers for only $20, and you'll STILL walk away, because buying that is taking you further away from the debt reduction/saving you've been focused on.

Point being, when I started this new lifestyle, it was all I thought about. I'd start my day with a visit to the gym. I'd come home, weigh in, blog about how I was doing, read other blogs, then go to work. I'd think about what I ate everytime I ate something. I'd read more blogs over lunch, or go researching some alternative lifting exercises. I'd go home and think about how much water I'd drank that day. I'd read more blogs...

For the past six or so months, I haven't been nearly as focused on that. I've thought about it some, but it hasn't been the dominate thought. As such, weight loss has contracted in my mind/life while other facets of life have expanded. As of yesterday however, that will no longer be the case.

This past weekend my eating was atrocious, to the point of embarrassment for myself. How did I come to this point of not refusing the pizza and Chipotle and cookies and burgers and beer and... you get the point. I've always allowed myself some "bad" food, though in moderation. Now however, it seems to have wormed its way back into my life. My cupboard has Oreos. It's got Sun Chips and Tostitos. It's got dipping cheese/sauce. Who the hell have I become? I'm drinking lots of diet sodas and not purely water. What the shit is going on?

So once again, it's time. Time to focus. Time to remember The Secret.

254.9

Real quick-like

Two things...
1) I'm sick. Neck glands are swollen.
2) I'm down four pounds.

256.4