Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Struggle

Two weeks. Two weeks since I last blogged. And I look at that last entry, and I just can't believe how far, both physically and mentally, I am from that post.

So... a few months ago, I moved. I wanted to be close to the girlfriend, so we decided that I'd move the 90 miles to be with her. Unfortunately, during that month of May, I really *really* started feeling nervous about that move. Would we work out? What about the job situation - drive that distance twice daily and commute, or find work down in her town? what about her son - how would I fit in with him, and him with me? And so I started having trouble sleeping at night. And then the weightloss had stalled out. And then, in a moment of weakness late one night, I made a bad choice.

I bought a pack of cigarettes.

It wasn't something I wanted to do, and I knew I was being dumb, but I'd still done it. And once I'd started, I found that I was able to find other reasons to continue going. I started feeling that I wasn't using them to help me get through the small pockets of anxiety - I'd slipped back into an addiction.

It didn't take long for The Gal to start inquiring. I don't know what exactly she saw/felt/smelled, but it didn't matter - she asked me.

And I made a bad decision worse - I lied.

I didn't want her to know. I thought that I could just quit. Yet every Monday would come and I'd find myself at work, holding out... then I'd fail. I'd go buy a pack. Just weak.

Again, The Gal asked if I was, only this time she'd mentioned that her mom had smelled it on me. Again, I denied it.

Much like the main in Edgar Allen Poe's Tell-tale Heart story, I too was feeling the pressure of my sins. Finally, she and I were sitting in the kitchen and she leaned in to kiss me. She pulled away, and shot me a look.

"What?" I asked guiltily.

"Nothing," she replied.

And truthfully, I realized that I could at this point just let it go. I don't think that she really wanted to know. However, I felt like I needed her to know. I kept pushing - "What? Do you smell something? What do you smell?"

"Did you smoke a cigarette?"

Finally.

I confessed, and while it wasn't easy, it was good. The one thing she kept coming back to was that she felt that I didn't really want to quit. She she didn't think that since I had covered it up, I was ready to stop. However, I don't believe that's the truth. The truth is that I desperately want to quit - but it's an addiction, and it's hard.

So now I'm just abut two weeks clean from them. Yay. However, and back to the first point of this entry - I'm so far away from having a good day like my man Ice Cube. The fact of the matter is, I've put on 13 pounds as of this morning's weigh-in. 260.

The struggle of the first week was just incredible. Missing those regular daybreaks really affected my pysically and emotionally. I found that I was just physically depressed and unmotivated. I ended up taking the Friday of that week off, just because I felt like I was wasting my work's time by being there. Last week was much better. I was able to very quickly fall back into the old routine at work, get into a zone and not pull away from my duties to take a run outside.

So. I'm back to breathing better. It's still a struggle, but it's no longer the minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour struggle that it was in Week 1. I just need to get the eating back under control. Truth is, I knew I was going overboard, eating poorly. I just didn't want to deal with that, as bad as I felt wit the smoking issue I was (am) working through. I think I just needed some type of comfort, and surprise surprise, I went back to food.

Damn.

You know what the worst part of the 13 pound gain is? I still went to the gym regularly. I don't know if you saw the article from Time magazine that made a bit of a splash a few weeks ago. It mentioned how working out doesn't make you thin. It actually would say that working out would make you MORE hungry as you've burned energy and need to replenish it. The main thrust was that if you want to lose weight, it begins and ends on the plate. The gym workouts just help to shape and sculpt the body, and to give you good health. And frankly, after finding out just how delighted I am with being able to chase a 7 year old boy around and not run out of energy, my health is something I don't want to give up - I've fought too hard to get it! But I just need to pay attention this next week and eliminate the bullshit eating. I'd bet that I'll drop 8 of the 13 pounds within a week.

That's the goal!!!

14 comments:

HopeFool said...

Dude. When you said it I stopped breathing for a second because it's been SO on my mind. I have to quit. School starts for my kids on Tuesday and I'm going to do it then.

I'm quitting again. (This time forever.)

You made me feel a little more like it is possible. So, thanks.

Denise said...

You fall off the horse then you get back on....whether its smoking or eating it is a life long battle...we never recover from overeating or smoking for that matter we are merely in remission. You can do this...You will do this. Good luck.

Doug said...

Quitting sucks man. I'm sure you'll make it through. It's amazing how much better life is without it.

Priroda said...

I quit April 5th. Although life is so much better without them it is still a struggle now and then. Great job with quitting again and thanks for the info on the exercise!.

Liz said...

Good job on fessing up-that's important, for you & the relationship :) I think you are doing great, you've made some big changes in your life and those aren't easy to deal with. Good luck on your goal this week!

Joy said...

quitting is hard, 5.5 years out and I am finally tackling the addiction (stopped smoking, but moved the behaviour onto eating)

Look forward to seeing you smash back through the 13.

TjRenee said...

I'm glad the Gal was so understanding after you finally told her what was up.

Now get the food under control and you'll be back in the game in no time.

South Beach Steve said...

What a two weeks! It is good that you came clean with the gal though. Like you said, it is almost like "The Tell Tale Heart". Don't let the gain get you down too much. You are probably right, it will probably come right off.

Keeven said...

Temptations are evil! Quitting an addiction is difficult. But be strong. We are humans with choices. I'm sure you will make the right one.

Geoff said...

I finally quit smoking for good May 1st of this year, after trying and failing a few dozen times. It's a hard thing, but I'm so glad I did it. Now I don't even think about it, and being around smokers just annoys me instead of enticing me. Stay strong, and find someone you can be accountable to. That helps a lot. Good luck.

antgirl said...

I quit for the second time almost 10 years ago. It sucks. It was easier the last time though and I often forget I ever smoked.

laura said...

i'm glad you're back blogging, those pounds will be off in no time.

Don Q. said...

Good for you. Hard to face up to things when you make choices that you're not happy with. I enjoy reading your blog and look forward to hearing more about your journey.

Anonymous said...

About the Time Artcle Roder: A great free podcast "Beyond Diet" 8/25 episode debunked the Time article in that it explains that yes you crave more food but it is because you have to replace what you burn with high quality choices and you can still lose the weight. The article was very one sided from a scientific stand point. Not anything I would put any faith in. Keep up the great job. I know the dips and dives can be hard. I got down to 195 (finally at onederland) and got the swine flu with a house guest for 10 days, setting me to eating all wrong and gainng back 10 pounds. Heartbreaking but I'm down to 200 again. This is you wingman signing off. Thinking of you and enjoying your progress.

Kelsana/Denise

Where I've Been and Where I'm Going