Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Better Living through Chemistry?

Lately I've been feeling anxious. See, I've decided to move to be closer to my girlfriend. The choice itself was a no-brainer, but at the same time, as the time until the move draws closer, my anxiety levels are rising. It's a very weird feeling for me as typically I'm so go-with-the-flow and can deal with just about any situation I'm put into, but there are just so many unknowns here. I'm planning on keeping my job as I really like it and they're flexible enough that if I need to I can work from home a day or two each week, and I can get in early/leave early if need be, but there could still be issues there. I won't really see my friends too often anymore and don't have any of my own friends in the town I'm moving to, so that's a place of stress for me.

After reaching a low of 255.3 two weeks ago, I started seeing my weight slowly creep up. I've still been going to the gym daily, but I've found myself eating a bit more. Cookies from the office cafeteria. Chips from my cupboard. Bigger meals in the evening, like a footlong meatball sub over a six-inch club. More soda.

I've also been sleeping less. My typically sleep routine is this: walk into the room, set the alarm for the morning, turn out the lights, begin snoring within thirty seconds of laying my head on the pillow, recall no dreams, sleep hard. Now I find that I'm not even headed into the bedroom until 11:30, and I lay in bed, unable to quiet my mind. It's just racing through scenario after scenario, and seems to always be some new potential pitfall or issue that I've made up. I'll get up after 30-45 minutes and wander into the living room, fire up the xbox or playstation and absentmindedly play whatever game is in the machine. Or watch a movie. Or pace.

This has, as you may have guess, impacted the scale. This morning I stepped onto it and saw 260.1. I'm up five pounds in the last two weeks.

Last week, in an effort to install a quick fix for what I feel are temporary problems, I did something stupid. I went to GNC and purchased a bottle of Hydroxycut Hardcore. I'd read some reviews, and while some people said it was junk, or that it lead to a racing heart or insomnia (piling it on, aren't you guy?) or just didn't work, I was just feeling like I needed *something* quickly to stop the slide.

Two days later the makers of the pill recalled it due to one user's death and several ruined livers as a direct result of the stuff.

I actually said a little prayer of thanks as I *knew* I'd made a bad choice, then went to the bathroom with the big bottle and poured them into the toilet, flushing them away.

Last night on my way home from work I picked up some Simply Sleep pills to help remedy my sleeping issues. I took two pills, and laid in bed for 10~15 minutes. I felt my body become "heavy", if you will, and soon I did drift off to sleep. My dreams were vivid, which was insane to me as I *never* remember my dream. They weren't pleasant and were very clearly an extension of my anxiety. When the alarm went off I couldn't even get up. I reset it for two hours later, then rolled over and went back to sleep - though I was restless and it was broken up with fits of waking every 20-30 minutes or so. When I finally got up, I was terribly groggy. I tried to shake it off with a cold shower, but to no avail. I ordered a coffee with an extra shot of espresso, but that left me feeling a bit jittery in addition to my grogginess.

Better living through chemistry, right?

I really dislike using pills to regulate myself. I'd much prefer to just face my issues and deal with them or accept them, rather than hide my mind with chemicals. But until the move comes and goes at the end of the month, I realize that there's no resolution. There's just anticipation.

I don't mean to sound negative - I'm *really* excited for the move, and for the next chapter of my life to begin. It's a choice that I readily made, and I don't regret it for an instant. I just wish that I could compress time and be done with this...



Anonymous said...

glad the pills went into the toilet. you have the power within you to lose the weight as you have before..go back and reread your blog. look within yourself. you can do this

Farsy said...

Trust me, I know how you feel, totally. I met my boyfriend when I lived in Texas and he was here in NM. We met online, then met in person a few months later. When I lost my job in May of last year, I faced with a choice: Move to NM and take a chance at being happy with someone I was interested in, or go back to Illinois and live with my family and be miserable cuz I hate it there (not the family, the cold winters). I decided to take a chance, packed up my stuff about 3 weeks later, and moved.

I can honestly say, almost a year later that it was the *best* decision I've ever made. I love the weather here. I love my boyfriend to death despite his PTSD and trying moments, and I honestly wouldn't have had it any other way.

Like you, those days before moving were full of "what ifs". What if I can't find a job, what if he don't like me, what if I don't like him, what will my mom think, what will my family think, what will HIS family think, what about his PTSD, can I handle it, what will his daughter think of me.... I could go on and on. Best thing to do is just set it aside, and don't think about all the what if's but rather think about the *reasons* you've decided to move. You'll save yourself a ton of anxiety.


Julie said...

I think it was a "sign" you do not need pills to loose weight. The recall came at the right time, before it was too late.
Best of luck sleeping!

jo said...

Your sleep pattern describes mine. I've been having those issues for about ten years now. Done Tylenol PM, melatonin, and then the doctor prescribed Ambien.

Now I don't take anything, and I will naturally fall asleep around 2 am and get up 7-8 hours later. It sucks major.

I ignored it at first, at least you have identified the issue, and it will probably go away for you.

Best wishes. You'll get that scale to move down again. Glad you got rid of those pills.

Summer said...

I awarded you the Super Blogger Award. :)

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