Wanted

On this past Sunday night my current boss called me. I had company over and we were just going to sit down for some takeout and a dvd, but I ended up talking to him briefly. He wanted to talk about some random project at work, but what he *really* wanted to do was tell me that he wanted to keep me on staff. He wanted to give me a counter-offer, matching my new salary at the new place. I gave him a couple soft, indirect 'no's, then told him that I'd do lunch with him and we could discuss it. I always prefer to do important things face-to-face. Even though I'm a terrible player of politics and an even worse liar, so when pressed I tend to make weird faces and clam up or have my words come out in short, staccato phrases, I still have an idealistic way in my mind of how a man should act and be, and part of that means handling business 'as a man should', regardless of how not a man I sometimes feel. And as I resigned over the phone as he was out of town, I feel like I owe it to him and myself to join him and give him my reasons for leaving. And I also feel like I owe it to him out of respect.

But this brings me to my point today - his call? His wanting to do lunch? His counter-offer? It makes me feel wanted. Needed. It's a feeling I crave.

I don't have any siblings. My parents live 1000 miles away, in Texas, and I see them twice a year at most (and won't see them for Thanksgiving this year as I don't have any vacation time at the new position for 30 days after my start date). I haven't had anyone special in my life in several years. And I've gone through a long period of self-loathing and disgust. But suddenly, both this new place, and my current place, want me. Me! Not just an applicant. Not someone with the requisite skill set to complete set tasks. They want Andrew. It makes me feel good.

So I'll do lunch with him. And I'll be polite and charming and gracious and respectful and will at the end decline his counter-offer.

Now I just need to feel wanted by someone in my personal life. Yesterday I went to lunch with some friends, and we went for Chinese food. My fortune cookie? "Watch for a new relationship to develop within the month." I don't believe in fortune cookies or tarot cards or magic or ghosts.

But I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that I'll find someone who wants to be with me.

Wow, this took a weird left turn. I should edit it. But I won't.

294.5 - that's forty pounds friends. :)

A long drive

Well, today is the first day of driving to the new location for this job. Instead of working out, coming home, blogging, then showering and heading out, I had to immediately get ready for work. It was a 45 minute drive. Boo!

I had a decent weekend, ate a bit bad but not too bad. My weigh-in was 301.9 this morning.

I just got my phone call as I was typing this. I've passed all my background/drug/credit checks. I'm in! Done!

Holy shit. Now I have to do it. Now I have to resign. Now I'm feeling nervous - the boss isn't in town today. Ack! Call him? Wait until Wednesday? So many feelings... shit! Excitement! Shit!

What the shit.

So wow. Last night, after admittedly not having the best weekend in terms of weight loss/eating, I stepped on the scale. 314? No. 315?Not quite. I could do this dumb game all post, but reading 10 of those things would get about as lame as typing them. Nope, I was at a less-than-svelte 324. What the shit? Saturday I road-tripped up to Duluth, MN. For breakfast I had two McGriddle sandwiches, a hashbrown, and a Diet Coke. For lunch, some crappy Chinese food from Shanghi Express (avoid if you're in the area). For dinner? Two Diet Cokes and a uh... full 12" pizza. Ohmygod! I don't know what happened! Well, I guess I do - that happened.

By this morning I'd somehow slept off 5 pounds and was back at 319, but c'mon man. Clearly I didn't injest 35,000 calories in one day (I swear!), so I'm guessing that the McGriddles, Chinese and pizza were all loaded with sodium and I'm retaining liquids something fierce. At least, that's my hope. Because seriously, anything more than a one or two pound gain? In one day? Give me a break.

Anyway, big shoulder workout today, and I'm feeling good. I need to do laundry tonight, I've run out of t-shirts.

I'd like a love-life.

I'm single. I have been for awhile. It's been well over a year since I broke up with my last serious girlfriend, and I haven't done a very good job of replacing that missing piece in my life. I pretty much just ate unhealthy foods and smoked. Ugh. So one of the unspoken (or unwritten) goals I've had is to find someone to share myself with. The plan was to lose enough weight to feel good about myself again, then either put myself up on a dating site or ask friends if they know any single women or whatever. Not fully formulated, but I'm really not quite ready for that plan when I'm still 130+ pounds away from the big goal, which is to fix me.

I'm not really into New Age philosophy, but as I've gotten older I admit that I do believe certain things - I believe that you get back from the universe (or whatever spiritual power/mystic energy/other entity) what you put into it. For years I've put nothing but negativity and apathy out there, and that's what I've received, that's what I became. But in the couple months since really changing my outlook, I'm finding that good things are coming my way.

So randomly I was on Facebook and ended up chatting with an old friend from high school. Then the last two weekends I've had her up to visit. I haven't seen her in years, and I've been enjoying the reconnecting process. Turns out she's great. Smart, cute, fun, funny. And she likes to cook! We went grocery shopping and then she made me fajitas. How cool is that?

Unfortunately, she lives somewhat far from me. It's a 90 minute drive. Both she and I have had long-distance relationships in the past and neither want to do that again. In addition, she's flat-out told me that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now. And I really want to respect her wants and needs. But because of how I look, my self-esteem has me questioning if she really doesn't want a boyfriend or if she just doesn't want me as a boyfriend. I guess I'm not totally satisfied with either answer, but right now it's a waste of time to wonder, so I won't. I just wish that I could spend more time with her. I'm not in love, but I'm not afraid to fall in love, and I'd hate to miss an opportunity (especially when I feel like I'm getting a second chance at this missed opportunity from 15 years earlier). I've made the decision to choose unhappiness over happiness in the past by not following my heart and making a move across several states, and it's... it's a regret. And it's a mistake that I'd rather not make again, which means that if I have to give up a decent-paying gig and a (too?) comfortable way of life to make something work I would.

But like I said, she doesn't want a boyfriend. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing - going to the gym every morning, staying positive, putting out good energy and hoping for goodness in return. And in 100 pounds, I'll be asking my friends if they know any cute, single girls...