I think I've lost my fastball

I used to be funny. And by used to, I mean, like just a couple months ago. My humor tended to be mean. Nasty. Vicious. I'd tear other people down fast. I'd be self-deprecating, quicker to attack myself lest someone else do it for me. And by attacking me, I'd be able to keep focus on things I could deal with, without allowing someone else to find and expose my real vulnerable areas.

Now, much like with 3x shirts, I feel like I'm in this bizarre no-man's land when it comes to being funny. I don't dislike myself as much as I once did. As a result, I'm not as quick to pull the trigger on an attack. And I'm much more positive, which keeps me from really attacking and making fun of others. I mean, I still do it, but not with the vim and vigor I once had.

Problem is, I haven't really replaced it with any other kind of humor. So while I appreciate and laugh at funny things, no longer am I funny. And that really sucks! Now I'm just a fat guy, sans the jolly.

I want my funny back. I need my funny back. But at the same time, I don't want to be the mean, nasty vicious person that I was. I don't know. I'm just rambling this morning.

Ramblings

Sometimes I just don't have much to post. Such is the case today. Nothing terrible food-wise yesterday (a protein shake for breakfast, some sushi and fruit for lunch, a Subway club with no mayo or oil or salt on wheat bread for dinner), and a good night's rest last night, followed by another good arm day today. And I'm down another pound to 312.5. I did wake up again last night (every night for 3 or more weeks now), but I believe that it's work stress induced and nothing more than that. And my current work drama won't be resolved for awhile now, so I guess I'll just get used to waking up at 2am every night. Sweet.

So why post when I have little to say? Well, I've noticed a trend among fellow 'get fit' bloggers. They do well, then stop posting, and when they're not posting they tend to not be exercising either, and usually come back on several weeks/months later offering a mea culpa to nobody in particular, swearing that they're going to be back. I know, I've done it years ago myself. A couple times. So I journal my ongoings as I draw closer to my goal, in an attempt to keep myself focused on what I want and what I need, and to not be drawn off course.

Remember, just because you're not necessarily having success doesn't mean you can't post. Sometimes posting about your failures can be just as, if not more, inspiring. Provided that you keep going forward, it's just a nice sign to let others know that losing a battle here and there is okay provided you're still winning the war.

Opening up a bit more

I think part of the fixing/rebuilding process is letting other people in. In one of my earlier posts from July I'd written that I was two weeks into my new deal, but that I wasn't telling anyone because I didn't want to drop the ball and look like an asshole. Lots of those feelings came from a place of fear - fear that I wouldn't last at the program. Fear that I wouldn't lose weight even if I tried. Fear that if I messed up I'd be rejected by my friends. And shame that admitting that I had a problem would show weakness. And worthlessness. But now I realize that it's okay. Because I'm okay. Hell, I'm better than that, I'm pretty goddamn sweet. So I'm sharing a bit more. Letting more people who know me personally know what I'm up to. It's good. It's healthy. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally healthy to open up a bit (though don't mistake my kindness and less-vicious personal attacks as weakness - just a sign that I'm a better person. lol). So yeah, I guess I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

I tend to write some of these entries from a place of personal introspection. Which means that sometimes if I'm feeling superficial I'll just post about what I did today (elliptical on lvl 6, hack squats, leg curls and the step up thing of doom bullshit, whatever they call it), and sometimes I'll reveal a bit more. Last time I kept a blog I did the same thing, only once I'd told too many people about it, I started getting people busting my chops a bit over some of the posts I'd made, or some of the feelings I'd had. So I kind of stopped posting. Then I just deleted that fucker. And I guess that right now it's probably a good thing, because I ended up getting kind of weird and dark and miserable on that thing, and it wouldn't be a good reflection of who I am right now. But sometimes I kind of want to go back and read it anyway. I can look in the mirror or step on the scale right now and see the physical changes I'm experiencing, but to read those old posts would be a fun (or disasterous?) way to see the emotional changes I'm experiencing.

I have no idea what I'm rambling about today.

And now I'm down to 314.5. No suprise that I didn't drop a full pound - yesterday I had a Red Robin hamburger for lunch. Well, half of one anyway. I saved the other half for dinner. But I had fries and a Mountain Dew (the blue Voltage kind - they're so damn good!), then two more at dinner along with some sort of candy/pastery thing that probably had enough preservatives to keep me looking gorgeous for days if it caused a heartattack and I keeled over. Anyway, what the hell was I rambling about? Right. Oh yeah. 314.5. So that's 4.6 pounds until I'm in the oughts, and that's pretty awesome. I believe I've still got a week and a half until my timeline expires for that goal, so I'm right on schedule. I do have a trip out of town tomorrow which could potentially throw a wrench into the plans, but I'll just do the best job I can do and keep my eyes (and mind) on the prize.

That just happened.

Today I weighed in at 315 on the button. That's officially 20 pounds that I'm now done with for good. Effing sweet.

If you want to lose weight and you're looking for a magic pill or diet that will get it done for you - quit searching. It doesn't exist. The only thing that works is you. Find your internal strength. Then find some dumbbells - nothing helps to lose weight more than lifting weight, except to watch what you eat. Put those two things together, you're going to have success. Portion control, controlled caloric intake, low sodium, low in big sugars.

At least that's what I've found so far.

My arms are burning after today's big arms day. And I kicked it up to lvl 6 on the elliptical today too - I caught up to Dan, my workout partner. I've got a good 100 pounds on him, but we both did lvl 6 and went 1.7 miles (my mile is down to 11:30 now), but my heartrate was in the 170s (with a brief jump to 180 as I pushed to get my mile under 12 minutes) and I burned more calories according to the machine. Yay fatties! So that just happened. I'm noticing a change in my stomach - it doesn't push out as far. I tried on a 2xl shirt yesterday, just because. And... no. Not yet. Looks like that metric will have to wait for another day.

Oh, I haven't mentioned this here, but I've got an Omron Body Fat Analyzer that I picked up a couple years ago. When I turned it on, it still had my old data saved - 29 years old, 311 pounds. Hey, now I'm only four pounds away from that! lol. Anyway, back on Aug 26 my measurements were 39.2% body fat and a bmi of 47.4. Yesterday my numbers were 36.8% body fat and a bmi of 45.4. So good news there!

I also saw a doctor earlier this week. My blood pressure is quite high apparently. He wants me to get tested a couple times a week, then see him again in a month to assess if I need to go on medication. He also wants to check for diabetes. So yeah. I may have done some terrible damage to myself. If you haven't been to a doc in a while, I'd recommend popping in for a physical. It's somewhat scary to hear that you're out of whack, but c'mon - two months ago I was somewhere around 335 pounds. Obviously I'm out of whack! So hopefully if I do have to go onto meds, I can get myself off them through exercise and diet. I'll know more next month I guess.