The Struggle

Two weeks. Two weeks since I last blogged. And I look at that last entry, and I just can't believe how far, both physically and mentally, I am from that post.

So... a few months ago, I moved. I wanted to be close to the girlfriend, so we decided that I'd move the 90 miles to be with her. Unfortunately, during that month of May, I really *really* started feeling nervous about that move. Would we work out? What about the job situation - drive that distance twice daily and commute, or find work down in her town? what about her son - how would I fit in with him, and him with me? And so I started having trouble sleeping at night. And then the weightloss had stalled out. And then, in a moment of weakness late one night, I made a bad choice.

I bought a pack of cigarettes.

It wasn't something I wanted to do, and I knew I was being dumb, but I'd still done it. And once I'd started, I found that I was able to find other reasons to continue going. I started feeling that I wasn't using them to help me get through the small pockets of anxiety - I'd slipped back into an addiction.

It didn't take long for The Gal to start inquiring. I don't know what exactly she saw/felt/smelled, but it didn't matter - she asked me.

And I made a bad decision worse - I lied.

I didn't want her to know. I thought that I could just quit. Yet every Monday would come and I'd find myself at work, holding out... then I'd fail. I'd go buy a pack. Just weak.

Again, The Gal asked if I was, only this time she'd mentioned that her mom had smelled it on me. Again, I denied it.

Much like the main in Edgar Allen Poe's Tell-tale Heart story, I too was feeling the pressure of my sins. Finally, she and I were sitting in the kitchen and she leaned in to kiss me. She pulled away, and shot me a look.

"What?" I asked guiltily.

"Nothing," she replied.

And truthfully, I realized that I could at this point just let it go. I don't think that she really wanted to know. However, I felt like I needed her to know. I kept pushing - "What? Do you smell something? What do you smell?"

"Did you smoke a cigarette?"

Finally.

I confessed, and while it wasn't easy, it was good. The one thing she kept coming back to was that she felt that I didn't really want to quit. She she didn't think that since I had covered it up, I was ready to stop. However, I don't believe that's the truth. The truth is that I desperately want to quit - but it's an addiction, and it's hard.

So now I'm just abut two weeks clean from them. Yay. However, and back to the first point of this entry - I'm so far away from having a good day like my man Ice Cube. The fact of the matter is, I've put on 13 pounds as of this morning's weigh-in. 260.

The struggle of the first week was just incredible. Missing those regular daybreaks really affected my pysically and emotionally. I found that I was just physically depressed and unmotivated. I ended up taking the Friday of that week off, just because I felt like I was wasting my work's time by being there. Last week was much better. I was able to very quickly fall back into the old routine at work, get into a zone and not pull away from my duties to take a run outside.

So. I'm back to breathing better. It's still a struggle, but it's no longer the minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour struggle that it was in Week 1. I just need to get the eating back under control. Truth is, I knew I was going overboard, eating poorly. I just didn't want to deal with that, as bad as I felt wit the smoking issue I was (am) working through. I think I just needed some type of comfort, and surprise surprise, I went back to food.

Damn.

You know what the worst part of the 13 pound gain is? I still went to the gym regularly. I don't know if you saw the article from Time magazine that made a bit of a splash a few weeks ago. It mentioned how working out doesn't make you thin. It actually would say that working out would make you MORE hungry as you've burned energy and need to replenish it. The main thrust was that if you want to lose weight, it begins and ends on the plate. The gym workouts just help to shape and sculpt the body, and to give you good health. And frankly, after finding out just how delighted I am with being able to chase a 7 year old boy around and not run out of energy, my health is something I don't want to give up - I've fought too hard to get it! But I just need to pay attention this next week and eliminate the bullshit eating. I'd bet that I'll drop 8 of the 13 pounds within a week.

That's the goal!!!